giovedì 10 agosto 2017

How to become a cyclist.

Cycling can be fun and will make you feel superior to other people.
You'll need a bike (official name = bicycle or cycle).
There are many different types of cycles. There are road cycles and ones with big tyres for going into paddocks and on dirt tracks. You want a road cycle. Below are three cycles. See if you can pick the one you will need.

Cycle 1

Cycle 2
Cycle 3

If you picked Cycle 1, no, no, no. Far too elaborate. Go back and pick again.
If you picked Cycle 2, so you want trainer wheels? Kid's bike. Go back and pick again.
If you picked Cycle 3. Well done! You are ready to get dressed up! Love those side on reflectors!

Okay let's get you dressed appropriately.
See if you can pick the right uniform for a cyclist.

Outfit 1
Outfit 2

Outfit 3
Outfit 4

Outfit 4 is correct. If you picked any of the others, go back and read from the start of this post again.
The correct outfit is very important for a variety of reasons:
  • Your head will be protected - remember that you have a very special brain
  • There is padding around your bum because you'll be on a hard little seat
  • There is a pocket on your bum because you don't want bulgy pockets at the sides spoiling your look
  • When you go into a cafe everyone will know you're a cyclist and feel inferior and lazy
  • Those gloves are something else 
  • You look incredibly cool (at least to other cyclists).
Okay, now you're ready to hop on that cycle.

Looking very cool!
If you're having trouble balancing the thing, go back and choose Cycle 2.

When you're on the road there is a set of Road Rules to be followed.
Don't worry about these.
There are also other types of vehicles on the road.
These include cars, vans, motorcycles, trucks and buses.

Car

These are all vermin!

Another example of vermin.


These machines are full of fat, lazy, unfit people who are jealous of you and are
OUT TO GET YOU.
Treat them with scorn and contempt.

Always feel free to ride two abreast with a fellow cyclist. Remember that you are the one getting fit and doing something noble. Make those gas guzzling vehicles wait. 
The drivers of these vehicles have very low IQs so keep your language simple if you have to yell at them.

Okay, you are now ready to be a cyclist.
Wear your lycra with pride and remember these points:
  • You have a HUGE right to be on the road
  • You are the one getting fit
  • You are smarter than motorists
  • You have a beautiful body
  • Road Rules are only there to try to keep motor vehicles out of your way - THEY DON'T APPLY TO YOU.

GO FORTH, OH MIGHTY CYCLIST!



2 commenti:

Robert ha detto...

You missed just one essential rule ... never ever use the cycle lane.

Richard (of RBB) ha detto...

True