This one's for TC.

 

TC

Okay, I've had a request for my latest Christmas letter. The only reason why I didn't post it is that the letter contains a quiz I did a few weeks back but, in hindsight, it might be good for both Peter and Robert to have another crack at the quiz. The answers are also in the letter, so that should help them. Good luck boys.

Here it is...

CHRISTMAS LETTER 2023

Hi, Richard (of RBB) here. I’m a guy who lives with two women, my wife (Shelley) and my daughter Steph (though I often call her Nef), and I take care of the vacuuming and cutting the lawns.

In 1984 I married the love of my life and, soon after, had two beautiful children.

Here’s my problem, in 2023 I fell in love with somebody else!

Sorry to throw this news at you.

The person I fell in love with is actually male, AND he’s a lot younger.

A lot, lot younger.

Sorry if this shocks any of you.

He’s just a really nice guy and he can sit up without assistance. He’s very handsome too and loves a cuddle. He also loves to smile and seems to love my jokes (Unusual!).

Shelley has been very understanding and seems very fond of him too. I feel a bit agitated when he gives her too much attention. I guess he’s just a very generous guy and that is one of the reasons I love him so much.

His name is Harrison. I’ve known his father for a rather long time and I’m embarrassed to say that I am actually old enough to be his grandad. His father’s name is George and I must admit that it amuses me that, if you put both of their names together, it gives the name of a Beatle (George Harrison).

Shelley said it would be fine if Harrison comes over and stays the night sometime soon. She’s a very understanding person, and I can tell that she is getting very fond of Harrison herself. Unfortunately, Harrison still has a bit of a problem with walking and finds it hard to move around. We’ll be patient and wait until he feels ready. I think it’s fair to say that we both love him very much.

* * *

Okay, by this time you don’t really want to hear about my (our) year month by month, so here’s a quiz – an attempt to keep your interest up. I suspect that quite a few people never finish my Christmas letters.

This quiz is multichoice, so even our not so bright readers are in with a guessing chance! 

I’ll give the answers at the end. Please don’t cheat and look at the answers first.

So, without further ado, let's get started!

1) Where is Whangarei?

a) In the South Island of NZ. b) In Canada. c) Near Petone. d) Settentrionale di Auckland. e) None of these. (clue – it helps to know a bit of Italian)

2) Who wrote 'All Blues'?

a) Miles Davis. b) Val Doonican. c) Mick Jagger. d) Wayne Shorter. e) None of these. (okay – I know that most of you don’t like jazz)

3) The chord Em7b5 is made up of which notes?

a) E  G  Bb  D.  b) E  F#  G  B.  c) B#  C  Eb  F.  d) E  G  Bb  Db.  e) None of these. (a tricky one for those who don’t like jazz)

4) Sister Sicilia was known as what?

a) Sorella del sud. b) The Sicilian bitch. c) Nanny nun. d) None of the Es.  e) None of these.

5) What part of the word 'homeowner' reminds you of a cat?

a) The homeowner because he has a cat. b) His kindness to animals. c) The cat food in his kitchen. d) meow. e) None of these.

6) What was Beethoven's favourite fraction?

a) 3/4. b) Da, da, da, da. c) A fraction of the 2nd. violin section. d) Ludwig. e) None of these.

7) Who wrote 'The last straw'?

a) Richard. b) Leonard Bernstein. c) Lee Child. d) Country Joe McDonald. e) None of these. (a bit of a trick question)

8) Where was Winston Peters born?

a) In a cigarette factory. b) Pen Island. c) Wellington Zoo. d) In a tent. e) None of these.

9) Transubstantiation is a big word. I might have spelt it wrong. How do you spell it?

a) Transubstantiation. b) Trainsubstantiation. c) Transsubstantiation. d) it. e) None of these.

10) What is brown and looks like a stick?

a) Not sure. b) A pedestrian crossing. c) A walking stick. d) a broom. e) A stick.

* * *

Okay, here are the answers…

1) d) Settentrionale di Auckland. (hey, I did warn you about this one)

2) a) Miles Davis. (give it a listen, it’s on the album ‘Kinda Blue’)

3) a) E  G  Bb  D. (sorry about that one, non musicians or Classical musicians)

4) d) None of the Es. (I bet that one stumped a few of you)

5) d) meow. (you should have got that one)

6) b) Da, da, da, da. (Beethoven’s 5^th)

7) a) Richard. (well, I actually wrote the whole letter)

8) e) None of these. (I don’t know where he was born)

9) d) it. (come on, that’s a very old joke)

10) e) A stick. (pretty bloody obvious)

* * *

Well, there you go, the Christmas Letter done for another year.

We, in Willis Grove, hope that you all have a brilliant end to the year and that things are as good as they can be. We send you all our love and best wishes.

And, yes, Harrison is my grandson (born 31 March 2023) and we are all madly in love with him! Ciao tutti. Buon Natale e Buon Capodanno. xxx

"Good one, Grandad!"

What your bloggers will be doing today.

 Robert: 

Robert gets up at around 4am and makes coffee. Then he recites a few decades of the Rosary. Then he's off to clean places. Later in the day he'll cook tea (Scotch eggs with last night's leftover Yorkshire Pudding) and maybe play his violin for a while. Then it's a bit more praying and then off to bed.

Peter:

Peter generally breaks wind at about 8.30am. Then he gets up and checks the blogs - he may leave a comment if there is a new post on one of the other blogs. He may even write a post based on what he has just read. Then he checks the weather. Is the water clear enough for a swim? A bit later he's off to tennis. Hopefully he avoids damaging his body or upsetting other tennis club members. Tea will probably contain tuna and fresh vegetable(s). He'll have two glasses of Cleanskin wine. He'll bang off at least one blog post and then it's off to bed.

Richard (of RBB):

Richard generally wakes around 6am and is fully functioning before 7am - toileted and dressed. He'll have already spent quite a bit of time thinking about violin techniques and will hopefully have fitted in a bit of Italian practice. Today's plan is to do some violin and double bass practice, then it's onto tidying up the section (a big job) - remember that Antonio arrives on Thursday.

Sunday Evening.

Whoops, sorry, it's Monday evening!

I've been a bit slack on the music practice over the last couple of days. Well, I have been busy with various things. Today, for instance, I attended a very long funeral for an old friend of Shelley's (at 94 she was older than The Curmudgeon). We got there almost an hour early and then the funeral lasted for two hours. Then Shelley wanted to pop into the Brooklyn library and a library in Ngaio to pick up a couple of books. Busy alright.

Brooklyn Library

Although my practice hours have taken a dive, I have been working on something very interesting for my violin (and bass).

I've worked out a ten step programme for covering ten important things that a jazz improviser should practise. These ten things are not about other very important things like time, intonation, rhythm, listening and phrasing. They're really about scales and cover good things to understand for playing over major, minor, dominant 7th., augmented and diminished chords. Things that will make you sound good and make good note choices. They'll also help you to REALLY get to know your fingerboard. 

Okay, okay, I can hear TC starting to complain, so I'll leave it there for today.

Only two days before my Italian friend arrives to stay. We pick him up on Thursday afternoon and he's here for a couple of weeks. It'll be a busy, but fun. He's really looking forward to my Wellington tour. I told him how much Peter enjoys my tours.

"Yes, they're a lot of fun, and interesting!"

Well, there you go. I'll sign off now.

Ciao tutti.

The first hard one TC has had for a while.

 

Okay, after the failure of his quizzes and puzzles, the poor old fellow has come up with a conundrum for his readers (2) to solve.

Well, no guesses needed about who sorted out this little 'conundrum'.

Richard (of RBB), of course.

Winner! So, what did I win?

Sorry, but The Curmudgeon was talking shit (again).

I won't be wasting my time with these conundrums again.

Oh well, I guess it gives the old chap something to do.

The speed limits are going up...

 ...because kiwis are upset about Labour's slower limits holding them up.

I guess this'll mean that speeding trucks can go even faster when Transmission Gully changes to a limit of 110kph. The speed limit for trucks and trailers is supposed to be 90kph. Trucks are already speeding by at 100k. Let's not even mention those big jeep things.

MADNESS!

MAD GOVERNMENT!

RBB TOURS have a busy time ahead.

 We're already booked up until 4/1/24!

We are a very experienced tour company and our clients come from overseas and many parts of Aotearoa New Zealand. Tours from 21/12/23 until 4/1/24 will be in Italian Language.*

* Yes, we know how to make foreign visitors feel at home. I guess that's why they always request RBB TOURS.

Is Peter going back to the church?

He called them various things, like alter egos, imaginary friends and extensions of The Curmudgeon's persona, but now it appears that these comments may be coming back to haunt Peter! The one they call Toe Knee Hand Cock has been bitten on the bottom! The entities that Peter insulted are coming out with a different story to those Peter is trying to push on his blog.

It has all come about because of a comment by Robert.

Our sources say that Peter, contrary to what he is posting, has actually accepted Robert's offer of a Catholic style tour. It appears that he has even helped Robert purchase a papal style van.

Peter will certainly get the best view of
the 'round the bays' tour in this!

Although you can expect to see Peter working in Lower Hutt church shops in February, next year, it is not certain that he will be entering the priesthood in the immediate future. Still, he does have a history of feeding people communion hosts. In other words, he has the necessary experience. We'll have to wait and see how it turns out.

Our sources tell us that Robert is very happy and looking forward to next February.

God bless you, Peter!

The League of Representatives.

 The Curmudgeon* has just written a post about 'characters' found on different blogs. He wrote a blog post that sort of fizzled out. We at Richard's Bass Bag** thought that it might be interesting to get some of the entities together around a table. 

We asked the following, who accepted...

• Phillip Edward Nis (chairperson)
• The Curmudgeon's - Agony Aunt
• The Holy Ghost
• Angry Jesus
• The Wine Guy
• Satan
• The The The Guy
• The Aluminum Foil Curmudgeon
• God (last but not least)

Phillip Edward Nis: Welcome everyone and thanks for coming. The Curmudgeon, the guy some of you refer to as Toe Knee, often seems to take pot shots at people who contribute to the three main blogs around here. He calls them, people like us, various things like alter egos, imaginary friends and extensions of The Curmudgeon's persona. Personally, I find him rather insulting but today I'd like to hear your views. Who'd like to start.

God: I'll go first, since I actually made The Curmudgeon. I guess you could call him one of my imaginary friends, though I think he's off to spend more time with you Satan. Actually, I'm the one who made you all. Remember I started with Adam. He asked me for a cute partner. I told him that would cost an arm and a leg, so he asked, "What could I get for a rib?"

The The The Guy: But The The why did you The The The The give him The The and Eve a The The belly button?

Satan: Good point stutter guy! Long before I fluffed up God always knew that I would. There seem to be some bigger issues here than a few alter egos! Actually, I'm getting sick of running Hell. Maybe Toe Knee would like to take over?

Angry Jesus: Hey, I wouldn't mind a crack at organising those sinners! You could send me a lot more down from Heaven. I'd certainly like a crack at Mr. Linford!

The Wine Guy: I'd want to get my hands on that guy who made the first Cleanskin!

The Curmudgeon's - Agony Aunt: Give it a rest Wine Guy. You go on about that, and chilled red wine, all the bloody time! My advice to you is get a life.

The Holy Ghost: Well, for me, it's always 'and The Holy Ghost'. I'm supposed to be part of a team of three but I'm always the afterthought, "In the name of the Father, and of the Son..." Then I finally get a mention. In a democratic Heaven everyone would get a turn at going first.

The Aluminum Foil Curmudgeon: Don't you all see that we have a conspiracy on our hands here? Toe Knee Hand Cock always needs to be the centre of attention. That's why he gives Robert such a hard time. He thinks that God and Mary get too much attention. How many times do you see my posts given centre stage? It's a bloody conspiracy! Remember how rude he was to you, Phillip?

Phillip Edward Nis: Yes, I certainly do! Ha, ha, I like your nickname for him! Toe Knee Hand Cock. Four parts of his body that are still waiting their turn.

The Curmudgeon's - Agony Aunt: Yes, I'd love to get him talking to me, but he never listens. I don't really get what he means but, every time I try to give him advice, he says, "I'm the one who was in 3P!"

God: I got him into that class and all he did was steal hosts from my church. How many people missed out on transubstantiation because of his greed?

Angry Jesus: But you knew he would let you down, just like poor old Satan!

God: Still, I give everyone a chance to get saved. Okay, I admit it's a bit harder for some people who got born in places like India or North Korea. Hey, that's life.

Phillip Edward Nis: I'm a thinking kind of guy and I do think that we're getting a bit off topic at times. To finish off, let me ask you all this... Is The Curmudgeon being sort of racist when he tries to deny you all the right to exist with dignity? Agony Aunt?

The Curmudgeon's - Agony Aunt: I certainly think that he should get off his high horse. He employs me to give advice and to speak words of wisdom, but he seems unable to take advice or criticism. I really think that this attitude is keeping his readership numbers down. 

Phillip Edward Nis: Thank you, and how about you, The Holy Ghost?

The Holy Ghost: In the name of The Holy Ghost, and of the Son, and of the Father. Amen.

Phillip Edward Nis: And for Mary's sake, Awomen. Angry Jesus?

Angry Jesus: Maybe we just need another great flood. Where the Hell is Noah these days? Ah, yes, laying around in Heaven. He's turned into a lazy bugger! I'll have him in Hell, if I get to take charge. I'll put him in a twin room with Toe Knee Hand Cock.

Phillip Edward Nis: The Wine Guy? Oops, he's asleep. Must be a bit pissed. Satan?

Satan: I'd just like a second chance. Okay, I made one mistake, a very long time ago. Maybe Toe Knee could do some posts that promote me? Really, I'm not a bad guy. Thanks for hearing me out. Most people don't.

Phillip Edward Nis: Pleasure Satan. You come across as quite a nice guy. Over to you The The The Guy.

The The The Guy: Sometimes The The people make The The fun of my The The The The disability, The The but I must say The The that TC The The  has been very The The nice to me, overall The The. 

Phillip Edward Nis: Well, that's a positive. You're next, The Aluminum Foil Curmudgeon.

The Aluminum Foil Curmudgeon: When I think of Tony Knee Hand Cock, I think of just one word. Conspiracy!

Phillip Edward Nis: Thanks TAFC. And, last but not least, let's hear from God, the Christian one.

God: Two words. God knows. 

Phillip Edward Nis: Deep, God. That's a good way to finish. Thanks everyone. Drive safely.

* Because of his propensity for injuring parts of his body, TC is 'affectionately' known, by some blog 'characters', as Toe Knee Hand Cock - four parts of his body yet to be seriously injured.

** the original bass bagging site

The big exposé.

 Peter was up early, dressed (t-shirt and shorts) and showered. He checked the injury he had got when he stood, in bare feet, on the sharper side of a pool cue last night. 

"Ah well, it's not as bad as the arm or the hip." he thought.

Peter was up early because he had work to do today. He had experienced a tour of Wellington by Richard (of RBB) quite a while back and now, every time Richard took him anywhere in his car, he considered it a tour. Peter thought that he could turn his fantasies about what happened on his last trip to Wellington into a thrilling and, at times, comic blog post.

The blog community waited with bated breath.

Or did they? Robert was already at work and Richard was planning some heavy violin practice. Who did that really leave in an enthusiastic reading crowd waiting to be impressed and humoured.

NO ONE.

Peter in his long hair days.

Ah well, at least when he's blogging he's not upsetting people on his neighbourhood chat thing.

Did he make it?

 

This is an Air New Zealand plane
leaving Wellington Airport.

Was Peter on one of these this morning?

If he was, he'll be back up north now. If he wasn't, he could be anywhere.

Maybe he missed the plane but caught a train?

The old fellow likes trains. 

It's a long ride by train to Whangarei. That's if trains even go there. Maybe he'll have to travel some of the distance by horse? 

He'll be wearing a t-shirt.
That's for damn sure.

The old boy is travelling light. These days the only clothes he owns (and wears) are short trousers, t-shirts, socks and shoes. I don't know if he still uses handkerchiefs.

I guess that we'll know that he's home when he writes a post.

He has promised that he'll tell the real story of Richard's Bass Bag's Tours. Remember that this is an old man who couldn't even remember that he was supposed to be in Tory St. at 1pm and not at a railway station miles away.

I guess that we'll just have to wait and see if he posts. He can only post from home.

Time will tell.

Tempo al tempo.

Peter, Peter, where are you?

 Unless he misses his flight, he'll be home tomorrow and wearing his usual outfit - shorts, a t-shirt, a hat, shoes and socks.

One of his first tasks, on returning home, will be to write a blog post about our [Richard (of RBB) & Peter's] afternoon together in Wellington.

I'm going to get in first and tell you the truth.

I rang Peter a little while back and we agreed to meet at a particular place in Tory St., Wellington. I told him I'd be there before 1pm.

I got up early and headed to Upper Hutt to do my morning teaching job. Then I dropped my violin off at home and headed towards Wellington. I normally park near Cuba St., but I decided to try for a park in Tory St., as that would save me a long walk. I was very lucky because I found a park right near our agreed meeting place. I put in lots of money so that I could park there a long time - we planned to go somewhere for lunch. I phoned Peter to tell him that I had arrived.

"I'm at Waterloo station waiting for a train. I love riding on trains." he told me.

[Waterloo station is near the city of Lower Hutt - quite a long way from Tory Street or from Wellington, for that matter.]

It had been a hot ride into Wellington, and I certainly didn't need more time weaving through busy traffic, but I agreed to pick him up from Wellington station. It took me a while, but I finally found a park near the station. It appears that the old chap had totally forgotten all about our telephone conversation. I guess that's old age for you. I feel lucky that I'm an awful lot younger.

After a while I spotted Peter walking through the station, but I decided to give him a bit of his own medicine. I stood out of sight and rang him on my mobile. I told him that I couldn't find him. As he stuttered and looked a bit panicked, I described to him what he was wearing. I could see him looking every which way, but this time the 3P boy had been outsmarted by a 3G boy!

I drove him out of the city, which he'd seen enough of, to Lyall Bay where we found an eating place.

To my surprise he ordered a Cleanskin chardonnay!

I ordered a nice Hawke's Bay chardonnay. We ate some cheesecake, which was very nice, and then I took him back to Tory St. We took the route around the bays.

It was actually special to see him, and I give him permission to write an inaccurate reply to this post, which I'm sure he will.

Sleep well TC, you have a very early morning ahead of you!

A joke for Robert and Peter.

 

Okay, I doubt that either of them will get it, so I'd better spill the beans.

WATCH THIS

Ciao tutti.

The Curmudgeon is on his way to Wellington.

 Here are some old Italian sayings to help him on his way...

1) Se obbedisci alle regole, ti perdi il divertimento.

2) Due cose sono infinite: l'universo e stupidità umana; ma riguardo l'universo ho ancora qualche dubbio!

3) Dove c'è fumo, c'è fuoco.

4) Tempo al tempo.

Ciao tutti.

Congratulations to our brilliant quiz winner - P.E.NIS!

 Congratulations Phillip Edward Nis for the perfect 10/10 score in today's quiz!

Phillip has certainly proven himself
to be 'a thinking kind of guy'!

We had three other entries and here are their results...

Robert the apathetic sanctimonious sinner, toilet cleaner, threatener of eternal damnation, music snob and recovering Cerevisaphile. 4/10

The The The Guy. 4/10

The Curmudgeon. 4/10

As you can see, Phillip was in a class of his own - 10G, where the 'G' stands for 'Genius' and the '10' stands for his perfect score!

If I were being blunt, I would say that P. E. Nis pissed in!

Stay tuned for our next quiz.

Ciao tutti.

The Sunday Morning Quiz.

 We at the bag have had a fantastic and original idea - why not have a Sunday quiz?

Who but Richard's Bass Bag* could ever come up with an idea like that?

Okay, this quiz is multichoice, so even our not so bright readers are in with a guessing chance! 

A fantastic first prize will be announced at a slightly later date.

So, without further ado, let's get started!

1) Where is Whangarei?

a) In the South Island of NZ. b) In Canada. c) Near Petone. d) Settentrionale di Auckland. e) None of these.

2) Who wrote 'All Blues'?

a) Miles Davis. b) Val Doonican. c) Mick Jagger. d) Wayne Shorter. e) None of these.

3) The chord Em7b5 is made up of which notes?

a) E  G  Bb  D.  b) E  F#  G  B.  c) B#  C  Eb  F.  d) E  G  Bb  Db.  e) None of these.

4) Sister Sicilia was known as what?

a) Sorella del sud. b) The Sicilian bitch. c) Nanny nun. d) None of the Es.  e) None of these.

5) What part of the word 'homeowner' reminds you of a cat?

a) The homeowner because he has a cat. b) His kindness to animals. c) The cat food in his kitchen. d) meow. e) None of these.

6) What was Beethoven's favourite fraction?

a) 3/4. b) Da, da, da, da. c) A fraction of the 2nd. violin section. d) Ludwig. e) None of these.

7) Who wrote 'The last straw'?

a) Richard (of RBB). b) Leonard Bernstein. c) Lee Child. d) Country Joe McDonald. e) None of these.

8) Where was Winston Peters born?

a) Moera. b) Pen Island. c) Wellington Zoo. d) In a tent. e) None of these.

9) Transubstantiation is a big word. I might have spelt it wrong. How do you spell it?

a) Transubstantiation. b) Trainsubstantiation. c) Transsubstantiation. d) it. e) None of these.

10) Name the best blogger.

a) The Curmudgeon's Agony Aunt. b) Robert the apathetic sanctimonious sinner, toilet cleaner, threatener of eternal damnation, music snob and recovering Cerevisaphile. c) The Wine Guy. d) The The The Guy. e) Richard (of RBB).

Okay, all you have to do is write a comment where you set out the ten question numbers and the letter for each answer you choose. You can only choose one answer for each question.

Good luck.

* the original bass bagging site