New post.

 I got up early this morning. I needed to visit il bagno and I checked the time on my phone. I thought it was about 6.20am but found out a little later it was actually around 5.20am. Never mind, I went to bed pretty early last night. Then I discovered that the last person to get something out of the freezer department in our fridge (Shelley) hadn't closed the freezer properly (or the fridge door) and everything in the freezer had gone soft. She got up to chastise me for making a bit of noise but I showed her little mistake so she went back to bed rather quickly. It's a good feeling being right and I now understand why Peter was so excited when he wasn't the one who broke the vacuum cleaner.

"I didn't do it! AND I 
don't drink Cleanskins!"

I like Wednesdays because I teach violin at Settentrionale College. This means I can't relieve at NLHS on the day that they have ridiculously long spells (100 minutes). The students on my roll are mainly beginners so I've put in quite a bit of thought on how to get young violinists started and have come across a good solution. I'm looking forward to kicking off this new approach today. 

No gigs and nothing in the pipeline. We finally got a review from our gig in Rotorua last October. It didn't seem very thought out - there was a lot of space devoted to raffle winners and they spelt my name wrong in my one mention. Not very inspiring. I'm not sure if I'll bother doing my bass melodies gigs that were to happen a little later this year. I think the world will carry on without them; if the world does carry on. I think I'll just concentrate on my violin playing for a while but who knows?

Peter (up north) got rid of his two kitchen bar stools.

Peter's ex-bar stools.

He has written two posts (so far) related to this event. Here's a summary.

• The Old Girl didn't like them.
• They were originally bought on Trade Me at a fraction of their real value.
• They were given away to a little old lady who probably won't be able to climb up to sit on them.
• Since then Peter has done a lot of gardening.
• He has been to tennis and taken the trailer to the tip.
• After farting around a bit, he bought some concrete mini slabs.
• He did his traffic patrol at a primary school.
• He wallowed in the water for a while.
• He drank a Rose that was crap (in his opinion). 

This was all pretty well overshadowed when Robert told us (in a comment on Peter's second bar stool related post) that Jesus had appeared to him and promised him a happy death. 

Lucky Robert!

I guess this means that Robert can now happily walk out in front of buses and speeding trucks. He certainly won't get gunned down by some addled priest or squashed to death by a container falling on him. 

Lucky Robert!

Ciao tutti.

The Curmudgeon has a new post and Richard (of RBB) has a new haircut.

 

I've also worked out how to get a 4/4 swing beat out of my clothes dryer. 

Approximately crotchet = 140bpm.

* the original bass bagging site

Now there's a fluke!

 Have you noticed that C.S.Lewis looks (looked) a lot like Evil Doctor Richard?

C.S. Lewis

Evil Doctor Richard

But neither of them looks like Andrew Joker.

Why is that? I mean, it's C.S. and Andrew who do all the fancy quotes.

I've also noticed that The Curmudgeon looks a lot like Donald Duck when he is angry.

"Sheesh!"

They also both like to say "Sheesh!" at these angry times.

"Sheesh!"

These are just thoughts for Monday morning. I've taken the day off today so that I can try to sort out my bass playing. I might get a haircut too. I wonder if TC has had a haircut yet?

Sheesh!

The Return.

 Peter stood outside the church shop run by the local Whangarei Heads Catholic church. He knew he was home.

He was older now, and in need of a haircut, but he was on comfortable ground.

"Hello, I'm Father Mike Oxbig." said a man dressed in black. "I've seen you doing road patrol at Saint Peter's Primary. Now I hear you're going to be running our church shop. You're a good Catholic Paul."

"It's Peter, but I'm not the guy the school's named after." Peter attempted a little joke and Father Mike half smiled.

"It was very generous of you to donate two dozen Cleanskins to our shop. I notice that those condoms you donated are way past the use by date but I'm sure the clergy won't mind." said Father Mike. "Don't forget to push the holy pictures and try to keep your hands off the communion hosts."

Father Mike's request was too late, but Peter said nothing.

Breakfast.

"Now that I've come back to the faith and I'll be managing the church shop, do you think I could have a title?" asked Peter.

Father Mike looked confused. Peter, at best, was a part time helper who still had a lot of grace to earn. He certainly had no confirmed ticket to Heaven, as Mr. Linford did because he had hung around St. Vincent di Paul's for years. In terms of earning Sanctifying Grace Peter was an infant, and one who had put down requests from Jesus for years. You can't buy grace with a couple of dozen cleanskins. In fact, at his age, Peter's best chance of turning things around was to become a martyr - the best kind of saint.

"Have you ever thought of becoming Saint Peter of Whangarei Heads?" Father Mike Oxbig asked.

Peter wasn't listening. He was thinking about trying to get more wafers. God knew what he was thinking and was not impressed.

Nefanie.

 HERE.

Practising 'My Gentle Giant'.

 

Here.

Friday morning and it was pissing down in Nuova Lazio.

The weather up in Whangarei was a bit better, though there had been a storm that had buggered up a pavement path somewhere near The Heads. The Curmudgeon, the guy who had built the path, was up early because he had some Cleanskin wine bottles he wanted to put out in the shed before The Old Girl saw them.

Unlike his friend, The Wine Guy, The Curmudgeon didn't have a great knowledge of wine and tended to buy the cheapest bottles he could find at the supermarket. His favourite was Corban's White Label Chardonnay. He also liked Chardonnays from Marlborough but tended to consult his friend Richard (of RBB) when he was unsure about which wine to buy. It was Richard (of RBB) who had put him onto the cleanskins. Richard (of RBB) had explained to him that there were three things that could go wrong with a bottle of white wine.

1. It could break (the bottle, that is).
2. Someone else could take sips from it and finish half the bottle before you even knew what was going on. This was a problem made worse by screw caps.
3. In the supermarket you could have picked up a bottle of Sav. by mistake.

The Curmudgeon respected Richard (of RBB)'s wine knowledge and always listened carefully to his advice. This is why he got upset in a restaurant one evening when the waiter brought a chilled bottle of red wine. Richard (of RBB) had taught him that it was better to put a dash of lemonade in the bottle once it was opened but not to chill it. 

The Curmudgeon put the bottles in a cardboard carton with some others and put paper between the bottles so that they wouldn't clank as he carried them out to the shed.

It's been an interesting year so far.

Early 2022.

I stopped in the New World carpark in Silverstream to return a missed call from a relative. He threatened me with legal action over some things I had said on Richard's Bass Bag.* No big deal. Actually, what I had said had substance, but never mind. Maybe I'll follow it up later. Ma tra il dire e il fare c'è di mezzo il mare.

A little later in the year someone I love beyond belief was badly treated by a narcissistic man - it's quite a long story and not one to share here. It took a while for me to learn the whole story but I think we've got her to safety now. Recovery will be a long journey. Chi va piano va sano e va lontano.

I know that my two most frequent readers (both of whom are bloggers in our little community and both have a regular readership of two) have had considerably serious trials, both now and in the past, so I guess I'm not alone. 

Sii gentile. Be kind because you don't really know what people are dealing with.

It was a long day at school today but fortunately Signor Vino has come to my aid. I'm off tomorrow and will attempt to get lots of bass practice done. 

I must excuse myself so that I can continue my conversation with il Signore.

Ciao tutti.

* the original bass bagging site

Okay, here it is... H2SO4.

 This is just a rough, one off, recording with a few mistakes in the riff and the words, so here are the lyrics...

I want to be a science teacher
In a secondary school.
In a lab of my own
With a Periodic Table on the wall.
With all sorts of bottles and tubes
I’d use a beaker as a coffee cup.
I’d have a set of Bunsen Burners
And matches to light them all up.
I’d be the master of my laboratory
I’d hang my white coat from a hook on the door.
And if I needed the lavatory
I’d try not to spill uric acid on the floor.


Chorus:

Science teacher in Room 24
A key to every cupboard and drawer.
Which ionic compound shall I choose today?
H2SO4.

I’d get to know my acids from my bases
By counting the hydrogens.
I’d draw ions with little faces
And hang them up with pins.


Chorus:

Science teacher in Room 24
A key to every cupboard and drawer.
Which ionic compound shall I choose today?
H2SO4.


I’d hand out books on the Solar System
And point out the Earth and the Sun.
On a tripod I’d heat up some diluted acid
Just to make life more fun.

Chorus:

Science teacher in Room 24
A key to every cupboard and drawer.
Which ionic compound shall I choose today?
H2SO4.
REPEAT CHORUS

And here's the video...

Coming Soon.

 

I get by with a little help from other bloggers.

 Okay, so I wrote this song that I called 'H2SO4' and I'm in the process of getting it ready to record - unfortunately, I have been rather busy with work and other things so progress has been a little slow.

It did cross my mind, "I wonder who could help with the lyrics?"

I thought of asking for help on Facebook, but all you get there, when you ask a question, is a lot of silly puns. Then some bloggers came to the rescue! How can I possibly thank them?

I immediately set to work crossing out my lyrics so that I could fit their better ones in.

"Now, let me see... Joan was quizzical, Studied pataphysical science in the home. Okay, I'd better look up 'pataphysical'. Ah, okay, weird things."

"I do like that line 'I'm off my arm for to abind.' 'I poured it carefully' sort of indicates someone who is in control. Damn, the trick is to make sense of all this within the picture I was building up. It amazes me just how wrong I was with the lyrics I wrote!"

A group of people who are helping someone who
has written some lyrics for a song.

 "Gosh, maybe I need to draw more people into this project, people who will undoubtedly have better ideas than me."

"Next time I'll remember fearfully, it has uses to refine. Yes! That's what I was looking for! What the fuck am I doing trying to write a song when there are great minds like this out there? My song is going in the bloody bin! These guys have put me to shame!"

"My life is full of know alls. Aren't I lucky! I hope someone is able to write the music for me."

H2SO4.

 H2SO4 can be described as an ionic compound. It is an acid and I have written a song that features it. 

The song is about a science teacher in a secondary school and the chorus goes like this...

Science teacher in Room 24
A key to every cupboard and drawer.
Which ionic compound shall I choose today?
H2SO4.

There is also a riff in the song that features a John Coltrane diminished idea that people might find a little strange but, hey, the song IS about a science teacher.

I'll try to get it recorded over the next few days.

Stand by for 'H2SO4'!

Andrew Joker to the rescue.

 

Hi, Andrew Joker appearing here on Richard's Bass Bag.* Thank you to Richard (of RBB) for allowing me to use this forum. I was reading a post by Robert the apathetic sinner and toilet cleaner when I came across this quote.

"you might as well say " says Lewis "that a sheet of music which tells you to play one note on the piano,..is itself one of the notes on the keyboard". C.S.Lewis.

If there is at all any sense in this statement, here are a list of statements that would also be true:

• A mechanic who tunes up your car is really part of the engine.
• The man who sprinkles salt on your fish and chips is really part of the packet.
• A woman who crosses a road is, in fact, part of the road.

Okay, I'm commenting here because Robert (tasatc) asked Richard (of RBB) to explain what he (Robert) was writing. 

"To be honest I do not understand this. Maybe Richard can explain it in a post?" said Robert.

All well and good but Richard (of RBB) is busy running a very successful bass bagging site and doesn't really have time to explain to Robert what he (Robert) is writing. The idea with a blog post is that you write down your own ideas and these ideas make sense. Maybe it doesn't help to quote plonkers like C. S. Lewis. I can only suggest to Robert that he asks me in future. I may or may not agree to help.

* the original bass bagging site

Towel is Stuck

 New composition for double bass and clothes dryer...

Towel is Stuck

HERE

Meet the new violin tutor at Settentrionale College.

 

Yes, I know, that looks awfully like Richard (of RBB) "scratching away on an old musical instrument", to quote The Curmudgeon. Well, that's because it IS Richard (of RBB) in his new role at Settentrionale College. Every Wednesday morning he will spend time working with youth just north of Wellington to increase the numbers of people "scratching away on an old musical instrument".

And now for a quote from Andrew Joker.

"A priest in a parish is like a goat in a field. While he has been put in a particular paddock, and while he may make his goat noises, only another goat may be interested. A horse, a cow, a passing man or a dog will likely show no concern."

And now a few words from that very popular Catholic Apologist, Evil Doctor Richard.

"Hello. Firstly let me apologize for the stupidity and narrow sightedness shown by many Catholic priests. Look, if you're a practising Catholic, and I don't mean someone who might practise the violin as well as believing in silly stuff, hand in your badge - get out. Join the Rotary Club or something. You'd even be better off becoming a pedestrian crossing supervisor at a primary school, or perhaps you could spend your new found time looking for golf balls, but get away from that silly Catholic church and its silly priests. That's my message for today."

Okay, that's it from me today. I have serious bass practice to do. 

Remember this?

 

Well this requires a lot of practice, so that's what I'm off to do.

Ciao tutti.

Now it's getting serious!

 We at Richard's Bass Bag* awoke to this headline!

Now it's getting serious!

We, at 'the bag', immediately got on the phone to try to get more information but it seems that most wine reporters are 'sleeping it off' on a Sunday morning or perhaps they're helping out at their local church shop.

In desperation Luckily we were able to get in touch with The Wine Guy, a blogger who writes about wine and the people he has upset in bars and restaurants. 

He was happy to come into our Auckland studio at very short notice. Fortunately we had well known Catholic Apologist Evil Doctor Richard standing by in an Auckland motel - we at 'the bag' like to be prepared.

Evil Doctor Richard: Firstly, please let me apologize for the evil things the Catholic church has done over the centuries. Mr Wine Guy, thank you for coming into the studio at very short notice.

The Wine Guy: Sheesh! No problem. This is a serious headline!

Evil Doctor Richard: It's probably a good idea to get one thing sorted first. They say there are staff shortages. Could this be a regular problem on a Sunday morning because staff probably tend to have a glass or three too many of their product after work on a Saturday?

The Wine Guy: No! Not at all! Most wine staff are very professional. Anyway, they'd be drinking good wine and not the cheap stuff that I hear your boss in Lower Hutt drinks.

Evil Doctor Richard: So what are the main problems that this could cause for the country besides less drunk people?

The Wine Guy: Sorry Evil Doctor Richard but most people don't drink wine to get pissed. With a good wine there are fruit flavours to be tasted.

Evil Doctor Richard: You mean that they taste these flavours and then get pissed?

The Wine Guy: [getting a bit agitated] No! There are other reasons for drinking wine besides getting pissed. 

Evil Doctor Richard: Well, why don't these people who don't want to get pissed just eat fruit?

The Wine Guy: You're missing the point. Drinking good wine is like a hobby or a mission in life. Drinking good wine is a process. Anyway, they'd have to have a large variety of fruit on hand if they didn't drink wine. Let's talk about how bad weather can effect a wine crop.

Evil Doctor Richard: Okay, how can bad weather effect a wine crop?

The Wine Guy: Well, it's unpleasant to work in and the workers tend to drink more wine afterwards. Then we tend to get staff shortages. You know, people off work with headaches and the like.

Evil Doctor Richard: There's a story going around that you once upset a pregnant waitress.

The Wine Guy: Look, the silly bitch gave me a beer instead of a wine. This story has gotten way over the top. Anyway, it was years ago. I'm going home. Look, I mean, if only you knew some of the stuff I've had to put up with. Some wanker in a restaurant once brought out a chilled bottle of red. I think he was trying to make it taste more expensive. I had to go back the next day, when I was sober, to complain. You want to try writing a wine blog! Everyone is a bloody expert! I need a drink. [walks out]

Evil Doctor Richard: Well, it seems this interview is over on this serious day when our wine supply is threatened. I guess this is why we have beer and spirits. Hey, drink carefully out there and don't spill any.

The red wine in this picture is not chilled.

* the original bass bagging site

In the hands of the gods.

 "I think they have a need for some sort of leadership."

"Yeah, that orange star certainly freaked them out. They're calling it the sun god."

"The sun what?"

"It's sort of like a leader, someone with much more power than they can understand. So much power that they can't question him."

"But it's just a star. These guys must be desperate for something to follow. My first thought was to go down there and work with the sheep but maybe we could do something with the humans?"

"Like what?"

"Look, this could be a bit of fun, a distraction at least. We could throw in a bit of mysticism, you know, a bit of a back story. We could build on the 'god' idea."

"Hey, yeah, could be fun. They'd be like our flock. Gerard is our shepherd."

"No, we'd need a name they could relate to more. Aretas? Bayezit? What about Jesus?"

"Hey, I like Jesus! You could be Jesus! Hey, and I could be the mystical one, like a ghost."

Together, "The Holy Ghost!"

"I think we're onto something! What about Warwick?"

"What if he were the scary one? I think they'd react well to a scary presence."

Together, "Yes! Angry God!"

Angry!

 What sort of an entity has a son like Angry Jesus?

Angry Jesus

Well, I'm sure it might have been Andrew Joker who said, "An apple doesn't fall far from the tree."

The behaviour of a father is often very influential on a son.

Please welcome...

ANGRY GOD!

Peter does his bit for the Catholic Church.

 You may know him as The Curmudgeon, a guy who runs a very successful blog with two regular readers. Many don't know that, in the late 1960s, he was known as 'Wafer Boy'. At this time he was running an 'on the side' trade in church wafers.

In the 1960s Peter was a sacristan at a Catholic school in Wellington and a close associate of Father Bliss. Peter found that there was quite a demand from the boys at the school for slightly stale wafers and his job gave him a plentiful supply. You have to realize that, in those days, the variety of snack biscuits available was much smaller. This enterprise made Peter one of the richest boys in 5P in 1968. Really, for him, sitting School Certificate that year was just an unneeded distraction from his business venture. Father Bliss had high hopes that Peter would enter the priesthood and eventually get a job in a parish where he could run his own church shop.

Peter was already proving those wrong who thought that boys in the P classes, who didn't get to study Book-keeping, couldn't possibly run a business. He would later go on to be very successful in the wine industry and was probably one of the forces behind the Cleanskin brand.

Unfortunately, Peter didn't make it into the priesthood but he never really lost his interest in communion hosts. Many, many years later, while helping Robert out in a church shop, he saw a window of opportunity. 

"It's pretty boring working in this church shop and selling holy pictures to crazy old ladies and condoms to the clergy. What if I resurrected the good old wafer trade? After all, Catholics are pretty big on resurrection." Peter thought.

It wasn't hard, since he had to stay behind each Sunday to tidy the church shop, to get access to where the wafers were kept.

In the wine industry Peter's special skill, as well as the one for drinking the product and then verbally going on about it, had been in marketing. His idea was to present the wafers as a sort of Holy Biscuit.

Of course, as with the wine, it wasn't long before he was sampling the product.

This is a story of a boy from 3P who, while not actually making the priesthood, saw a niche for himself. This was a guy who could see opportunities and possessed the necessary skills.

It won't be long before everyone at church will be swallowing Peter's Communion Treats.

John joins the protest.

Okay, I know that Peter, one of our bloggers who goes by the name The Curmudgeon, likes coincidences - what Richard of Richard's Bass Bag* defined as 'parallel universing'.

Here's the thing. Remember, in his last blog post how Robert had to clean a Presbyterian church and be out of there by nine? Remember that this is a church that doesn't contemplate the sufferings of Jesus. In fact, they only seem interested in the resurrected Christ. Bastards! They don't seem to like having Catholics around either - look at the way they told Robert to bugger off. 

Anyway, John is a member of this Presbyterian church and actually thought, as he saw Robert bugger off, "Good riddance to the Catholic swine!"

John was rather slow at school. Some have speculated that, had he been at St. Patrick's College in Wellington in 1966, he would have struggled to make 3M and would probably have found his rightful place in 3R. John was brought up by Presbyterian parents and everything he learnt at church made perfect sense to him. 

An early picture of John.

His parents didn't like Catholics and had some strange opinions on other more rational things. They certainly didn't trust scientists and John grew up to hate people in lab coats. At school John was always naughty in Science class. On leaving school he entered the cleaning profession and eventually worked his way up to head cleaner at one of the local Countdowns. 

John had a deep belief that the Science teachers at high school (a couple of whom were supposedly Catholics) were purposefully scuttling his chances of academic success. He skipped a lot of classes and made it clear that he felt hard done by.

He'd made it to head cleaner but John felt that he should really be something like prime minister. He soon recognized that what lefties called Aotearoa was a communist state where too much time was devoted to silly activities like learning Maori. Then they wanted him to get vaccinated!

John returned from a FREEDOM camping site, as he did every week, to attend church.

That was the day he realized that HIS CHURCH was employing a Catholic to clean God's house!

He knew well that Catholics had some weird beliefs. He'd also inspected Robert's work and was well aware that he was skimping on certain cleaning responsibilities. The shit stain on a toilet seat in the women's room, where elderly Mrs. Rogers had missed the bowl last week, was still there. How could a cleaner have missed it? Unless he didn't care much for Presbyterians. 

Maybe the Catholics were purposefully running down the state of the church so that they could take it over?

After church John hurried back to the FREEDOM camping site. There was work to be done and communists to oust.

FREEDOM!

* the original bass bagging site

Never underestimate a flushing toilet.

A pipe further up the road broke early today and we were without water until way after lunch.

I hadn't noticed it before but, while not being able to drink water or wash your hands, without a water supply you can't flush your toilet.

I rang Andrew Joker to see if he had a quote to fit this situation but he said he was way up north buying lunch for The Curmudgeon.

Andrew Joker - 
not available today.

Fortunately Catholic Apologist Evil Doctor Richard was able to supply the following quote which seemed to do the job perfectly.

"Hello and sorry for all the shit the Catholic church has done over the years.  Why is shit brown? Well, the sky is blue and clouds are white, grass is green and fire is orange and red. You see, when god came to colour shit, all the other colours were taken."

Thanks Evil Doctor Richard. I guess you could say he did a shit job.

Okay, I'm going to leave it there today because I want to read what TC's latest post is about. If it's a shit post, I'll leave a comment saying, "Flush."

Ciao tutti.