Understanding the Holy Trinity.

 Okay, I was informed recently that, if you're baptized a Catholic, you can never cancel that baptism and, if you don't play the game, you're a heretic. I admit that I'm getting pretty old and I'm not going to live forever so I thought that maybe I should try to make it into Heaven. Heaven's a big place and I can probably avoid Mr. Linford and Brother Benedict (if he's there). However, I do have a few questions that I need to get cleared up. I've heard of people, within the church, called Catholic Apologists. From what I've heard of them, they don't seem to spend much time apologizing but, rather, talking fast and using big words. Then I heard of another group called Catholic Guessers and I was lucky enough to get in touch with one of them named Tent Horn.

Tent kindly agreed to come onto Richard's Bass Bag* and, I suppose, guess.

Richard (of RBB): Thanks for coming in for a chat Mr. Horn.

Tent Horn: Hi Richard of Richard's Bass Bag, please call me Tent.

Richard (of RBB): And please call me Richard. I'm not getting any younger, I've had a few little health niggles lately. Burning forever after death, if Catholics are correct, doesn't seem like a lot of laughs. I thought that it might be wise, sort of like an insurance policy, to look into getting into Heaven. It seems that, to achieve this goal, I have to stop, or avoid, being a heretic. I was told that I'm stuck with a status that was imposed upon me when I was newly born. I was baptized a Catholic. There's evidently no way out of that. So, my only hope is to come to terms with Catholic teaching and return to the faith. Here's a question, do other religions make it into Heaven?

Tent Horn: Mmmm, good question. A lot of religions think they're going to finish up in Heaven. Some men even believe that they'll be presented with 72 celestial virgins for blowing themselves up. That sounds like a very good deal! Presbyterians think they're going there too, and Baptists. I don't think so because Catholicism is the only true religion.

Richard (of RBB): Okay, and I assume that Taliban men won't have a shit show! Let's get down to business. I just have one question for today. Catholics call their god the one true god, but there are three entities packed into that one god. A father, a son and one guy or girl called the Holy Ghost. I think that last one's name got changed to Holy Spirit - maybe someone translated it wrongly?

In pictures one of them looks like a bird. When I was young, and in Catholic schools, they often told us that mere mortals don't have the intelligence to really understand this. Can you explain this 'three people in one god' thing?

Tent Horn: Okay, let me think for a second or two. [about a minute passes] Okay, have you ever been out driving, only to find a big black ute following you really closely?

Richard (of RBB): Yes.

Tent Horn: Well, that big black ute is much more powerful than your little car. There is no way you can outrun it. Absolutely no way. It either passes you or it stays up your bum. That big black ute is like God. Who is driving it? God the Father. Who else would be in charge? Who is sitting in the front passenger seat? God the Son. The Holy Spirit would be fluttering around near the back seat. That big black ute is the shell that holds the trinity together. Do you understand?

Richard (of RBB): Yes. That actually makes sense - god is like a big black ute. Thanks Tent. You obviously know your business, and you don't try to confuse with big words. Just a thought, why are so many clergy paedophiles?

Tent Horn: Well, I guess that they've got to be somewhere. At least we don't have to put up with woman priests. Some of them think they're in charge. Think about it, Jesus didn't have any female apostles.

Richard (of RBB): Maybe Jesus was gay? If you think about men who are in charge around the world at the moment, think North Korea, Russia, America, would women really do a worse job? 

Tent Horn: Well, Trump is making America great again. It's the way that God wants it. I don't see Him objecting. Remember that He made Adam first, and please don't go on about the belly buttons. Hey, it was Eve who led Adam astray. Would you really want to see a woman driving the big black ute?

Richard (of RBB): Thanks Tent. We'll wrap it up there for today. Is it really that hot in Hell?

* the original bass bagging site