Only a few letters separate each name.

P  ....q  r  s  t  u  v  ...........................W

E ....d  c  b  ........................................A

T  ....u  v  w  x  ..................................Y

E ....f  g  h  i  j  k  l  m  ......................N 

R ....q  p  o  n  m  l  k  j  i  h  g  f  ....E

Yes, we learnt French in 3G in 1966. We were taught by Father Cosgriff. He was a nice chap but a lot of the students gave him a hard time. Having been a teacher for many years and struggling with some classes, I can relate to that. Father Cosgriff's main teaching subject was English, and I suspect that he was as new to French as we students were. Never mind, he did his best. I still remember quite a bit of French. "Le professeur est dans la salle de classe." That's a phrase that always pops into my head when I think of the French language. It's not a very useful phrase if you suddenly find yourself in France.

Here are some much more useful phrases:

Je ne parle pas vraiment français.

J'ai un ami que j'appelle Wayne.

Combien coûte ce champagne fantaisie?
Ok, je vais boire de l'eau.
Avez-vous un Cleanskin?
Son nom de famille est Kerr.

The French actually have two words for 'wanker'. One is for males, branleur, and one is for females, branleuse. See, you learn something every time you visit Richard's Bass Bag.*

Au revoir.

Passe une bonne journée.

* the original bass bagging site / le site original de pêche à la basse

A little bit of help for Christmas.

Okay, Christmas is upon us! Shops are full and finding a car park is a real challenge, but there is still a lot of shopping to do. A lot. Why do we always leave it so late? There is food shopping, don’t forget the wine, last minute Christmas decoration shopping and pressies still to buy. Yes pressies! Who really knows what Uncle Tom would like? We did screwdrivers last year, and humorous socks before that. Humorous socks? You know, socks with funny pictures and funny things written on them like, “No fox given.” With a picture of a fox.

What we need is a simple gift that can be given to everyone.

Well, I think I’ve found it!

It’s a phone app and it’s not expensive.

If you’re making a big meal on the 25th., to feed quite a few people, there’s one thing you’d better stock up on. Toilet paper.

Hang on, don’t panic, let me tell you of a neat gift idea.

THE TOILET PAPER APP!

People just load it onto their phone and then, at ‘clean up time’, they simply use their phone.

As I said, this app is not expensive AND think what you’ll save on toilet paper!

Enjoy your Christmas.

Oh, and next time you use your phone (after Christmas day), don’t hold it too close to your face.

I think that Peter has his toilets all fixed up now.

 

So I can now get back to blogging about other things. It appears that, up north (way up north) you can't sell a house without replacing all the toilets. 

It has been a busy week. It took two full on days to move my daughter and her flatmate into their new abode. The next day was tip day and clean out the shed day.

Then yesterday I spent nine hours looking after my best mate Harrison. It was pissing down, so we had no choice but to stay home (well, in my son's place) all day. We watched The Wiggles and various other popular children's shows.

Everyone on The Wiggles grins all the time. From time to time it would be quite nice to see a pissed off Wiggle. But, no, it's not to be.

I need to get some serious violin and double bass practice done today. I have a bit of catching up to do. 

Well, I guess I'd better get on with it. It looks like Christmas day will be wet here. "No big deal." as the card player with tiny cards said. Though, it would be nice for Harrison to get outside - that would make life safer for my double bass too. 

That's it.

Bye.

The 'King of Style' sends a clear message to Peter as he prepares to head south.

 

Yes, Peter, it's okay to wear a shirt over your t-shirt down here in Wainuiomata and we do tidy up our sheds as well, so don't get a swollen head.

Hey, in Moera they even increase the size of their fish ponds!

No stone is left unturned in Moera.

You've still got some work to do, Whangarei boy.

Okay, okay, it's time to get serious.

 As most of you already know, Peter has the intention to return to Wellington and might choose to settle in Wainuiomata. As most of you have learnt, Peter fancies himself as a bit of a trend setter when it comes to men's fashion.

It's a good job we're talking
about men's fashion because
I honestly can't see old Peter
competing with this.

Peter has presented us with two choices of how he might dress and I'm asking you, dear readers, to help him with his final choice. We'll look at them one at a time.

CHOICE 1, 'learn from the animals':

This is sometimes called the 'Raccoon' look. I can only assume that it is a popular look way up north and maybe the hat gives you some protection when you're fighting at tennis or falling down banks at golf. You will notice that this look does not come with a shirt, but it does allow for a jersey in colder climates. The t-shirt, that is very popular up north, along with shorts and jandals, is a feature. Spectacles are optional, but compulsory on over 65 year olds. The beauty of the head gear is that it can be worn to bed on cold nights but the spectacles must be taken off.

Choice 2, 'welcome to the future'.

You'll be pleased to see that the t-shirt still features and the addition of a cap (not worn the wrong way around) is very cool! Just a note - this outfit won't really work for cigarette smokers or vapers. As you can see, it gives quite a future look that probably wouldn't work in Moera or Wainuiomata. Actually, it could also be a bit out of place in Wadestown or Kelburn, though I can see it working in Naenae and Taita. My only criticism is that the spectacles don't really work with this outfit.

Something like this would
work better.

Okay, this is we need your comments to help Peter make this very important decision. Any explanation you can give that might help would really be appreciated and I'm sure that Peter would be very grateful for your help.

Thank you in anticipation.

Dickery, dickery dobbits.

 Dickery, dickery dobbits,

I'm the man from Murray Roberts.

I'll deliver your grog,

You can drink like a hog,

I'm the man from Murray Roberts.

(slower) Man from Murray Roberts.

Since I spent yesterday and will spend today driving a van around, I thought it appropriate to sing a song that I composed in the early 1970s while delivering booze for Murray Roberts. By the way, I got soaked yesterday while moving some very heavy things. No time to play violin.

Yesterday. Oops, wrong title, this should be Stairway to Heaven!

There's a feeling I get when I look to the west

And my spirit is crying for leaving

In my thoughts, I have seen rings of smoke through the trees

And the voices of those who stand looking

Ooh, it makes me wonder
Ooh, it really makes me wonder.

It appears that Peter is, in fact, building a stairway to heaven.

Yesterday Rob and I did some fiddling.





We're practising some pretty tough pieces, so it's quite a workout. Probably as hard as building a stairway to Heaven. Rob and I first did this when we were at primary school. We're also playing a piece that we worked on about the same time when Peter was in 3P. Eine Kleine Nachtmusik. It is certainly not an easy piece, but Rob and I know the 'harmonies' really well. We used to listen to it an awful lot. Still, this old guy finds it a bit of a test. Ah, but it's great fun and a bloody good violin workout.
Thanks Rob.


Today my daughter is moving house, so there won't be much time for fiddling. I'll be driving a van, just like in the Murray Roberts days.

Cool.

 What makes you really cool?

What does being cool really mean?

If you follow this guide, you too can qualify as someone who is really cool.

Definition of ‘cool’:

1. You are ‘punching above your weight’.

2. You make other people feel inferior or inadequate.

3. You are the next best thing to a god.

Tricks to get you there:

· Drive your car slightly (or totally) above the speed limit and, if anyone else is holding you up, get really close to them to give the message, “Get out of this lane!” Hey, fast lanes are for cool people!

· Play really fast licks on the guitar. Show just how cool you are.

· Walk through a supermarket like you own the place. Look stern and in total control. Don’t let anyone get in your way. At the checkout you DESERVE to be first in the queue.

· In a conversation, do not listen to others who are present. If a discussion develops, dominate the conversation. Big words are an asset here because others may lose the message and feel confused. This confusion just serves to push your message. Ah, you have won again! Cool.

· Owning lots of stuff gives you power. Cool people know how to make money. Uncool people finish up on the street or living in cars. Losers!



Things that might stand in your way on your quest to be cool:

· Physics. If you drive very fast and follow another car too closely, you probably won’t have time to stop, and an accident will probably happen, if something goes wrong. At a busy time of the day, this will inconvenience many people. Hey, but a lot of them are losers.

· The magic of music is when something touches your soul. More than often slow music does this, but not always.

· All sorts of people use a supermarket. It’s nice to think that everyone is welcome there and there is not some sort of silly hierarchy. Most of us don’t go to a supermarket to feel superior. We just want to get stuff that we would like to have at home. Think vegetables, soap, toilet paper and, perhaps, wine.

· Listen, listen, listen, if you want to find the best part of a person. Talking and dominating the conversation will put you in a situation where you learn nothing. Everyone has something that they can teach you, even though their lesson might take you a while to really understand.

· At present I’ve been watching a bird in our garden have and raise her young. The nest is low enough that I can look in. This bird is very devoted, and I feel very special to be able to witness this. I can assure you that there is absolutely no money involved. We don’t charge her rent. Technically, having a small nest in one of our trees is lower socioeconomically than living in a car, but this mum is coping very well – I’ve been keeping a close eye on her. She fills my heart in a very special way that I can’t really describe and that would probably cause me to lose an argument with a cool person.

 

Sorry but, I gave up on trying to be cool many years ago. Many, many years ago. Though, to be honest, I wasn’t making it.

Though, on the bright side, I do good ‘dad jokes’.

Three chicks.

 

The nest on our property.

As far as we at Richard's Bass Bag* know, there is no real evidence that Peter Thrush is the father. After all, he lives in a nest that he is decluttering way up north.

Anyway, I thought that he was getting rid of his gumboots. After all, they're hopeless for clinging to a branch.

* the original bass bagging site

And he's buying a stairway...

 

Saint Peter, patron saint of downsizing.

 St. Peter was born into a Catholic family in Wellington, NZ, and raised in Catholic schools. He spent his early years working with communion hosts and trying to get a girlfriend. He never really worked too hard but then he had a vision of having a less crowded house. He even wrote his sacred thoughts down to show how hard he was now working - to saintly levels!

The first statement has baffled many theologians and historians. Some say that wine could have been the driving force behind his new devotion. In the second statement St. Peter questions those who are lazy. He challenges everyone to think about the power of downsizing.

 Let us pray,

When you start work at nine,

Thinking only of tonight's wine,

Wearing only a t-shirt and shorts,

We hear your self-righteous snorts.

You sell some things,

You send out a bill,

Your destiny is a lesson,

Not to cross The Old Girl.

When St. Peter was canonized, the Pope pointed out that he didn't have to be dead because he already was a martyr. The Pope said that he himself had to deal with downsizing once and there were few things in life that could equal this task. The Pope had tears in his eyes.

He finished with this statement, "Once the downsizing is done, there is more room in the house and it is easier to sell. I feel God smiling down on Saint Peter."

Some of my favourite jokes at this stage.

 

A popular writer wrote a play that took place over big words that were painted on the stage. They were dysgraphia, embankment, accoutrements, anachronistic and assiduous. The playwright was asked the meaning of having these specific big words painted on the stage.
He replied, "Ah, it's just a play on words."

Taken in Levin.

'Levin' (Le vin) is French for 'the wine'.

I went along to our local cards club. They said you needed to bring your own cards. Earlier that day I had meant to pick some up but had forgotten. I searched all the cupboards and draws in our house as it was now time to go to the club. All I managed to find was some very small playing cards. I got to the cards club and sat down at one of the tables with three other people. The three of them looked at my cards. One of them said, "Hey, they are very small cards."
I thought for a second and then I replied, "No big deal."

Christmas approaches.

 

For me Christmas is a bit like an alto clef - I don't spend much time thinking about it.

The alto clef is used by the viola - sort of a bigger violin with a C string but no E string. Years ago, when I was working in Tauranga, the youth orchestra had no violas, so me and another teacher practised the viola and played in the orchestra. Consequently, I know the alto clef pretty well.

You don't get many blog posts around here about the viola or the alto clef. Some double bass classical solos use the tenor clef.

The pointy bit in the middle of these clefs tells you where middle C is - it's on that line. When I play high on the double bass, I prefer to use the treble clef.

So, Christmas is really just one day but a lot of fuss goes on about it. I saw a joke, a little while back, that went like this...

A B C D E F G H I J K M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Peter was once in 3P, so he should be able to work this joke out.

It has a Christmas message...

Noel

Noel Leeming stores have a very Christmasy name.

"The best at the best price, Noel Leeming."

There is a song about Noel Leeming...

The first Noel, the angels did say
Was to certain poor shepherds in fields as they lay
In fields where they lay, but life wasn't mean
If you had a dryer and a washing machine

Noel, Noel, Noel Leeming
Born is the store that has everything

I guess that one of the important things at this time of the year is to think of Noel Leeming.

There's also that fat chap...

Basically, he gets the credit for parents spending hard earned money. He goes by quite a few names...

Santa Claus          Father Christmas          Saint Nicholas

Traditionally he's supposed to come down your chimney. I bet he has been stuck in a few over the years. He rarely goes to poor children's houses.

Around this time of the year, he hangs out in malls and places like that. Isn't he supposed to be helping his elves make presents? You don't get fat making presents. The problem is sitting around in malls too much.

Jesus gets mentioned at Christmas too.

He was evidently born on 25/12/00.

Quite a coincidence to be born on Christmas day.

Kurt Funnygut was born on Christmas day as well, but in 1957.

Some say that Kurt had a big influence on Peter's dress sense. 

Personally, I don't think that you can blame Kurt for that.

The other day me and Rob played some violin duets.

Rob was traditionally known as Second Fiddle. This is because, when we were kids and I was older, I always got to play the first violin parts. Times are changing and Rob has stepped up to the first violin desk - he is now known as First Fiddle.

First and I plan to work up quite a few duets.

Well, I think I've covered Christmas.

Time to do some practice.

Actually, I'll start with bass today.

Ciao tutti.

Christmas Letter 2024.

 

Hello and welcome to my 2024 Christmas letter. I have so much to tell you! I guess we’d better take it month by month. I’ll start with January because that’s the first month that comes after New Year’s Eve. Okay, here goes.

JANUARY: An Italian friend came to stay just before Christmas in 2023. Let’s call him Roberto (pronounced ‘Rubber Toe’), though that’s not his real name. I managed to upset him. What? You, Richard? Yes, me. He was cooking something for dinner one evening and kept dipping in an unwashed spoon to sample how things were going. He took ages. Shelley had a few wines (vini) and headed off to bed. I told Rubber Toe Roberto that I didn’t think I could eat his meal because he had been quadruple (+) dipping. That’s sort of a severe form of double dipping.

I took him down south (on the ferry) then we returned to Wainuiomata (where the girls are smarter) and Shelley and I took him up north. He was disappointed that he couldn’t do the Tongariro crossing because the weather was bad. Not my fault because I can’t control the weather. We finished up in Rotorua. It was my intention to take him to the Waitomo caves. He decided to book a ticket for the caves online but failed. I said, “I can fix that for you.”

I got on my phone and quickly made a reservation for him. Then I made a real Kiwi male statement that guys in this country use when they are talking to their mates. I said, “See, Kiwis are smarter than Italians!”

He said that I was insulting him. He later told Shelley that I had insulted him twice (firstly with the meal, I think) and that he wanted to go straight back to Wellington airport so that he could take an earlier flight home. The next morning we drove, without conversation, all the way to Wainuiomata (where the girls are smarter) to pick up the rest of his gear, and then on to Wellington airport. It was actually an expensive experience for Shelley and I because we paid for all the accommodation and the ferry. Our intention was to try to show him as much of the country as we could fit into his time here. Result for January: FAIL.

February: I returned to work. I had been relieving at my old school but now had two days of violin teaching at two schools in Upper Hutt. Shelley was still working in a couple of Libraries.

March: The month named after a form of walking. Think about it. I mean, they could have just named this month ‘Walk Briskly’.

To finish off the month, my best friend Harrison turned one. He’s getting old!

April: Kevin and Betty finally got married, Ben moved to Australia and Margaret was promoted to manager at Briscoe’s. We have never met any of these people but, hey, it happened in April. Come on, some months need a bit of padding out.

Oops, I nearly forgot - Shelley retired, after 20 years of working in Wellington Libraries. Well done, Shelley!

May: “May I use your toilet?” May is a very polite month when people try to avoid use of the word ‘can’.

June: May and June are both women’s names. I sometimes wonder why there is no month called Tom or Graham.

July: George (son) got a bit older.

August: I got a bit older.

September: My daughter Steph got a bit older.

October: Okay, okay, I hear you, I’m being a bit short on detail. I think it was October when we heard that Harrison is going to have a brother! That’ll be two boys calling me Grandad! That’s pretty big news.

November: This seems to be the month when shops start selling Christmas stuff. I was in a mall in Lower Hutt near the end of the month and I spotted an old guy I know. He is nice enough, but he does take a lot of credit for the gifts that parents buy for their children. He evidently does deliveries. Near where he was they were playing a quite unusual song. I picked up these words…



“Rude Olf the read knows rain dear

Had a very shy knee knows.”

This reminded me of the sort of grammar you see on comments on Facebook.

I tried to sift out its meaning…

“Olf is a rude but well read guy who knows a lot about rain.

There was something quite ‘shy’ about his knee, but he does know things.”

Am I getting old? This makes little sense to me! Let’s move on to December.

December: At the time of writing we, my two flatmates and I, are only seven days into December. So, if you thought this month would get a big write up, I’m afraid that I may disappoint you.

I hope you’re all doing okay out there. If you’ve got an Italian staying over the Christmas period, good luck and avoid Kiwi male talk.

Enjoy your Christmas break.

Best wishes to you all.

Some looks just seem to catch on!

And I thought one Peter was enough.

Thus is the way with fashion!

It's 1968 and 5P all over again!

The weather is warming up in Wellington.

 Will Peter be ready?

Hang on, what does Peter really know about Wellington style?

Let's hope he has got a good teacher.

PLEASE!

Smart dresser!

Yes, that is because he is being tutored by the best!

Who is that?

Need you ask?

Richard of Richard's Bass Bag!*

Richard (of RBB) shows off the
summer wear that all mature men
are aspiring to in Wellington.

"Thank you, Richard of
Richard's Bass Bag."

* the original bass bagging site

Sore Ting.

 I checked the parts of a human body and there is no part called a ting.

The Curmudgeon last posted six days ago and, from memory, was saying something about his ting being sore. Okay, he had a bit of a miss spelling, but that's not unusual because he doesn't proofread what he writes.

Maybe he hurt it while doing his house-moving exercise? Hey, houses can be heavy. Okay, it doesn't sound like he helped much with the front garden, but maybe he got too close when one of those railway sleepers was being moved? Maybe a ting is part of the foot? Maybe my diagram of the body doesn't go into enough detail? I apologise for that, if it is the case.

Maybe The Curmudgeon will leave a comment to advise us what went wrong? Though his last few comments have been a bit strange.

He might write something like, "Ting-In-Foot-Sore  I-Blame-The Old-Schoolteacher."

Well, to be fair, he is getting old AND he does have a sore ting.

Here's a great joke from the past to cheer Peter up.

 

Made possible by the Earl of Sandwich.

 

Billy thought of the Earl of Sandwich with gratitude.

"I don't like messy fingers. I hate stickiness! I hate it when whatever you touch gets all dirty and greasy, but I sometimes love to eat greasy things. How can I get around this? I'm spending a lot of time downsizing, at present. The last thing my mate would want to see would be jam stains on a wall or greasy marks on a window. That would not help the great migration south.

Holding bread is like holding cardboard - your hands remain clean. If you have something messy firmly placed between two slices, hey, no problem! Both hunger and cleanliness are satisfied."

Billy smiled.

Lower down!

No, keep going down!

Yes, that's better.

Billy smiled.

Billy thought of sandwiches and was happy.