The post where I talk shit.

 Ah, what a great win for the All Blacks last night! Father mentioned it at Mass. Robert looked tired. He'd done the all-night shift at the church shop. 

They're selling hamburgers now. They have a cross on them, just like hot cross buns. The church has built a drive through at the back end of the church shop. The drive through is proving more popular than Mass.

Obviously they come with fries.

I noticed that Father had sticky fingers when he gave out hosts at Communion.

Peter had driven all the way down from Whangarei - he was probably attracted by the availability of hamburgers. 

He's smoking a pipe these days.

Before Mass he was standing outside by some silver pipes.

I said to him, "You look good with a pipe."

He replied, "You should say 'pipes'. There are nine of them."

He has always been one for detail. Actually, Peter certainly cracks some mighty good jokes. 

Okay, okay, I know, I'm pushing reality a bit too hard there!

Don't get me wrong, there is nothing much wrong with Peter's jokes. They're just not funny. 

After Mass Robert went to confession for the first time in about five years. Peter and I sat in the church while Peter ate a hamburger. You could hear the priest calling out in shock.

"You did what? I do not believe you! This is disgusting! You should be ashamed of yourself!"

After finishing his hamburger, Peter made use of a long drop that was behind the church. His interesting noises drowned out the priest's exclamations in the confessional box. Then he said he was driving home so that he could post on Neighbourhood Chat. Evidently the other people on the chat site love his comments and his fairly quick humour. 

Well, I'll leave it there for today.

Enjoy the rest of your Wednesday.

Chow tooty.

The ten command mints.

 

Okay, a little pun there to keep things light.

Lots of bloggers around here (including Peter and Robert) have had a go at giving their view on the ten rules put together by this guy called God. Who is God, I hear you ask? Well, they tell us that he is the boss of everything, even Donald Trump. I guess that, if he wants us to buy into his rules, he needs to give a very clear indication that he is actually there. Maybe he could knock on doors (in person - please don't send Jehovah's Witnesses or the Mormons) or get interviewed on TV, or on Youtube. Christians will tell you to read some silly old book or to have faith. Sorry, but that doesn't really do it. Anyway, let's have a look at the ten rules he has put forward. I've translated them from American into the king's English and I have tidied up the grammar.

Here goes.

1. I am the Lord, your God. You shall worship the Lord, your God, and him only shall you serve. 

Prove it. Anyone could claim that.

2. You shall not take the name of the Lord your God in vain. 

Why?

3. Remember to keep holy the Sabbath day. 

Why do I have to do that?

4. Honour your father and your mother. 

If they are nice, sincere people, that is a nice thing to do. However, I guess they do have to earn that respect.

5. You shall not kill. 

That's a very good rule, though I do notice that it doesn't seem to apply to animals.

6. You shall not commit adultery. 

While it is generally a good thing not to commit adultery, there possibly could be exceptions. For example, imagine if you were married to someone like Vladimir Putin.

7. You shall not steal. 

That's a good rule. Unless, of course, if the people around you are very unpleasant and are doing cruel things to others.

8. You shall not bear false witness against your neighbour. 

Well, it's good to be honest.

9. You shall not covet your neighbour's wife. 

I think we covered that one with the adultery commandment. Covet = yearn to possess. If you are coveting your neighbour's wife, there is a pretty good chance that you're trying to bonk her. I don't think it's okay to covet your neighbour's husband either.

10. You shall not covet your neighbour's goods.

I think we covered that one with not stealing or bonking his wife. Though, remember that his wife is not one of his possessions. Yes, yes, that goes for husbands too.

* * *

There you go. I hope that helps.

Please feel free to leave a comment (or two) if you have any thoughts on this topic.

Ciao tutti.

A boring morning on the blogs.

 It turns out that The Curmudgeon is a sensitive old guy and has to use special toothpaste.

Meanwhile Robert says, "Be vulnerable!"

Maybe Robert needs to use Sensodyne too?

I went to reread Robert's post about being vulnerable, but it seems to have gone. Maybe his latest thinking is, "Be a bit of a bastard." 

All I could find, on his blog, that looked new, was the ten commandments.

"The ten commandments
1. I am the LORD your God. You shall worship the Lord your God and Him only shall you serve. 2. You shall not take the name of the Lord your God in vain. 3. Remember to keep holy the Sabbath day. 4. Honor your father and your mother. 5. You shall not kill. 6. You shall not commit adultery. 7. You shall not steal. 8. You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor. 9. You shall not covet your neighbors wife. 10. You shall not covet your neighbors goods."

The first thing I noticed was the American spelling (neighbor, honor) and the lack of possessive apostrophes (neighbors goods, neighbors wife). 

Maybe God is American?

As you probably already know, the first three commandments are about sucking up to God. Probably the two most logical commandments are telling you not to steal or kill. Did we really need number 10? Not stealing really covers that one. Again, number 9 is really covered by number 6. Number 8 sounds like an attempt to say, "Be nice to other people." Why doesn't it just say that?

Let me finish by saying, "If you didn't read Peter's or Robert's blog, you missed absolutely nothing."

Well, I suppose you'd know that TC has sensitive teeth and that God writes in American with no possessive apostrophes.

Robert chuckles.

Ciao tutti.

The boys desperately need a new post from me.

 

I think they like me to start with a picture.

Peter has been to the murder house and some passing priest has told Rob he needs to be pathetic, or something similar. He told him to be two other things as well, but Rob wasn't listening. I guess that this is why the boys need my posts.

What the passing priest might have said:

• Grow a beard like Jesus.
• Nothing lasts forever, not even Hell.
• That biscuit thing is not really the body of Jesus.
• Come to church in a t-shirt and shorts.
• Don't go to bed wearing a full suit.
• Every good boy deserves fruit.
• The tritone is not really the devil's interval.
• Joseph doesn't like God because of what he did to Mary.
• Go Trump! Let's make America grate again.
• Flushing toilets are the work of Satan.

Peter has sensitive teeth (just like any curmudgeon) and needs special toothpaste. Oh dear. What do we do when our world comes to that? It'd be nice if all his friends sent Peter a tube of sensitive toothpaste. If they don't, here are some suggestions for Peter:

• Don't eat big stringy steaks.
• Don't chew on cardboard.
• Don't steal communion hosts. Hey, that's just not right!
• Wearing lipstick might help. There again, it might not.
• Use your hands, and not your teeth, to undo your sandal straps.
• Don't take up the trumpet or the oboe.
• Don't suck on stones or small rocks.
• Don't get punched in the mouth.
• Only kiss gently.
• Stay right away from oral sex.

There you go, I think I've helped both Peter and Rob. They'll both rest easy tonight. Peter might even celebrate with a Cleanskin.

Well, I know he likes that drop.

Please leave a message if I can be of further help.

Ciao tutti.