This made sense to me.

 

Hi, just a short post today because I've been busy. I'm getting the household chores done now. No music practice done yet and it's quite hot in Nuova Lazio.

I hope you're all getting your practice done. I'm sure Mark Twain would have.

Ciao tutti. Ci vediamo dopo.

Tom Peace Lily's story.

 

"Hi, my name's Tom. I grew up in a gardening centre in Lower Hutt. My family are the Peace Lilys. We don't use the plural form of 'lilies' because our surname is Peace Lily and doesn't need to be changed when one is talking about family members. We are descended from the Lilium Genus of plants.  

I was very pleased when I realised that I was destined to be an indoor plant. Hey, there's nothing wrong with a safe environment and regular watering. I thought that I wouldn't mind being in a bedroom, but I'd prefer a living room or a dining room.

People often wonder whether plants have senses. Well, of course we do! We react to the sun, rain and cold, things in the air, smells, even sounds. Other siblings have communicated that it can be a lot of fun in a living room or a dining room. I was full of anticipation. 

Then it happened. What crap! A nice lady purchased me and I enjoyed a journey in a car, before being carried inside and put on a shelf that had obviously been kept clear especially for me. I felt special!

Then it happened. I was aware of a person in the room. Just one person - no talking, but there were weird sounds. There was a sound like something rolling. Then I thought I heard a waterfall and the air suddenly became very misty. Yucky stuff with quite a pleasant smell, I must admit, was showering me and landing all over my leaves. I felt sticky and sick. I couldn't breathe. The next thing I was all alone again. This 'one person entering the room' thing went on for quite a few days before I realised exactly what was going on and where I actually was.

"A picture tells a thousand words."

A bloody toilet!

Was this plant Hell that I found myself in? What had I done to deserve this? I had always tried to be a pleasant plant. I tried to uphold the reputation of the Peace Lilys. Now I was condemned to life in a shithouse. Suddenly outside seemed very inviting.

My name is Tom Peace Lilly and I spend my life right next to a toilet. Spare a thought for me, humans, next time nature calls."

Breaking news: The Curmudgeon is in Wellington!

 

 "A sharp wit, a finger on the pulse of things and a successful blogger." said The Sydney Morning Herald. "A man for all seasons!" proclaimed The New York Times. "Someone to look up to." advised The London Times.

Okay, these papers were all talking about different people, but well read popular the blogger known as The Curmudgeon is in Wellington - the city where he has his biggest reader base (2).

Today he will attend a luncheon with very popular blogger Richard (of RBB). No doubt there will be much discussion about blogging styles and The Curmudgeon did say that he was here to learn from a guy who had taken Richard's Bass Bag* to dizzy heights.

There has been discussion about his treatment of The Wine Guy, but it is a good sign to see that TC's old right hand man has been left in charge while he is away.

The Wine Guy

Though he'll only be taking care of comments.

We are advised that the luncheon venue has been instructed to make sure that all red wine bottles are warm and that any Cleanskin bottles have been left out the back.

Robert the quite a few different things was unavailable for comment this morning because he has a Presbyterian church to clean and check in the cupboards, and he is also on duty at the Catholic church shop.

* the original bass bagging site

The plight of The Wine Guy.

 

The Wine Guy has an empathy with Prince Harry, for he also has become a 'spare'. We invited The Wine Guy onto Richard's Bass Bag* to speak for himself.

"Yeah, that picture of me sums it up, how I went from a distinguished wine writer to a piss head. I was one of the first writers to be used by The Curmudgeon Inc. and I was their go to man. They even put me in charge of The Curmudgeon Express. Man, was I busy! 

I wrote about all sorts of wines because I have a huge experience to call on. I wrote about many things. Ha! There was even a time when I was in a bar waiting for a glass of wine, that I had carefully chosen, and this pregnant waitress gave me a beer! I guess I've seen and done it all. 

The Wine Guy in earlier days.

Then suddenly I start to get called less often. I start to notice a pattern. I get these phone calls, "Hi The Wine Guy, it's TC here. Look, I've been kicked out of the office again and we need to make some comments on a couple of blogs. Can you take care of these?" "Hi The Wine Guy. It's me. Look, I'm on a plane to Wellington with The Old Girl. She won't let me go onto the blogs. I'm trusting you to make a few comments on the usual blogs. It's important that we keep up a presence. I don't care what you say, just do it." "Hi The Wine Guy. I'm out of the office again. Just bang out some comments on those two blogs. Oh, and read Robert's latest. It's all about some guy called Brent Horn, or something like that. Don't go on about booze, just be a bit cynical. Try to think like me. Good boy!"

That 'Good boy!' bit really got me. Does he think I'm his dog? Next he'll want me to write about Cleanskins!

I'm just really over being treated like this! Look, I have an extensive knowledge of wine and my posts were pretty popular, even you guys on this blog read some of them. If you have any vacancies at Richard's Bass Bag* I'd be keen to step in. I could share some inside knowledge about The Curmudgeon with you. For instance, did you know that, as a youngster, he used to steal hosts from his school's chapel? I'm pretty sure too that it was him who got caught looking up some girl's skirt at primary school. Dirty little bugger. 

Hey, thanks for this chance to vent my spleen. Sheesh! Actually, it was me who first used that Sheesh! word, not him! Remember that I'm available if you decide to add a wine writer to your team. I'm already planning a post on the three things that can go wrong with a bottle of white wine. It'll be a cracker!"

* the original bass bagging site

JUST IN CASE YOU ARE SICK OF CRAP POSTS FROM TC

 We'll all get a welcome break from TC's posts for a few days because he is heading to Wellington to see a show, or something. He's bringing The Old Girl or, more precisely, she's bringing him. Shelley and I are meeting them for lunch on Sunday. I've booked a table at McDonald's for two reasons:

1. TC didn't want a poncy place and
2. I'm sure they won't have chilled red wine at McDonald's.* 

See how I put the possessive apostrophe into the name McDonald's? That's because the restaurant belongs to a guy named McDonald.

That's something I like about McDonald's - 
they know about grammar.

Well, to be honest, if you look closely at the picture, you'll see that they've spelt 'drive through' incorrectly. I think that's called an Americanization - note the 'z'. Still, they got their name right.

I'm going to wash the house today. I won't do a series on it because, with TC away, people will be looking for some very high quality posts. Well, the last thing these people got from TC was a post about toilets. Even the title was pretty predictable... 'JUST IN CASE YOU HAVE TIME FOR THIS CRAP'. Well TC, most people don't.

Anyway, it'll be nice to see him. We'll probably chat about transubstantiation and the three things that can go wrong with a bottle of white wine while Shelley and Lynn are having a woman style conversation. Woman style conversations always have a lot of detail, and a fair amount of parallel universing. 

Well, I'll leave you there for today, but I'll have a great post for you over the weekend.

Ciao tutti. 

* Chilled red wine is something that sets the near 71 year old off.

Tidying the shed. Part 4 (final): The pictorial post.

 Every picture tells a story.

Shelley and I then sat down to have a celebratory wine and I saw this amazing creature.

Maybe the god of the insects was watching over me?

Tidying the shed. Part 3

 Still at Step 1.

I had to toss up yesterday whether to tidy the shed up tidy up the front of the section. 

The section option, a bigger job, won. 

It was very hot and the first part of the job required use of my crappy old weed eater - I'd given my new one to my son. I cut the big lawn but had decided to leave a few parts uncut because numerous bees are attracted by the countless little flowers that seem to sprout up everywhere. I wanted to be environmentally friendly. I wasn't too sure how it would look, but it looks fine. 

I didn't mow the middle part nor the part under the trees.
I also left another bit by the letterbox but that's not in the picture.

I'd just finished mowing and went to turn the machine off, but it wouldn't turn off. Then the 'turn it off knob' broke. I thought fast and got some pliers. I managed to turn it off by pulling a bit close to the engine. All good, except now there is no way to restart it. 

Not the actual lawn mower.

Mine is an old lawnmower and I don't think I can teach it new tricks, so I might need to get a replacement. 

This all gets in the way of tidying the shed. I guess that means that this series will at least have a Part 4.

The Curmudgeon will be pleased about that. Ah! The things I do to keep him happy!