Who can do 'THE ULTIMATE MUSIC TEST'?

 Come on, are you up for it?

Let's find out...

1) Finish this lyric...

"Way out west, they got a name
For rain and wind and fire
The rain is Tess, the fire's joe and
They call the wind _________"

2) Spell these famous composers' names correctly...

Handle _______________

Mozrat _______________

Depussy ______________

Hi then _______________

3) Which musical interval tries the hardest? _____________

4) Why do violin teachers often go blind? _________________

5) What instrument does Father Woodcock like to play in church? ______________

6) In the year 648,000BC a caveman named Uggg wrote the first known love song. What did he use to accompany himself? ________________

7) What sound did Bach's dog make? __________________

8) What is the range of a set of bagpipes? _________________________________________

9) How do you know if there's a drummer at your front door? ____________________________________________

10) How many blues musicians does it take to change a lightbulb? ___________________________________________________________

Good luck, all you knowledgeable music students.

Do not handle!

 As I woke up I had a quick look at Rob's blog. He had a music test, about some pretty obscure things, and was giving the answers. He referred to the composer Handel as 'Handle'.

When you're running a test, and wanting to make it look intelligent, little mistakes like this matter. It reminded me of a little experience yesterday. I was asked to speak at a workshop on song writing. Afterwards I played solo for about half an hour on the performance stage.

Me playing.

At the workshop two people, who were asked to talk - like me, displayed their lyrics. I talked briefly about chords. It was the only time that the musical side of songwriting was mentioned. Now there's Rob asking some pretty complicated music questions, but he couldn't pass my fairly basic music theory test. Reminds me of Tent Horn and his big words.

Rob would be better spending his time getting familiar with the five families of chords, instead of worrying about which silly old monk wouldn't use the 7th note of a scale.

Ah well, just a thought or two for the morning. I've got some double bass practice to do this morning so I'll leave you to it. Rob is probably having a nice time listening to Mozrat.

Ciao.

Matariki.

 Today is a public holiday. I'm sure that Father Sorecock would have had something to say about that.

"A day of no work, where cleaners get out their guns to hide in fantasies that tell us much. To the north they think of hitting things, like balls. And, yes, the sun is out. Some will have to play music tomorrow, let's hope there are no guns." Father Sorecock

Father Sorecock sounds like a very wise man. I wonder how he got his surname? Did he come from a family of people whose menfolk frequently hurt their cock? Cochem, Woodcock, why do so many Catholic priests have 'cock' in their name? It's sort of like God is trying to warn us of something.

Tomorrow, I have to talk about how to construct an instrumental original composition on my violin - no backing tracks obviously. It is evidently a session for young people who want to write songs, or music. I suspect that I am entirely the wrong person for the job, though a poet and some song writers are also speaking. What can I do but just do my thing? I've actually put a lot of time into practising and planning for it. Maybe some adults might enjoy it? Teenagers? I don't think so. Hey, but it has got to be done.

Then I'm playing solo violin (with backing tracks this time) outside for half an hour. My mate Wade, and his singer, are playing straight after me. It'll be good to 'have a blow', as we say in Jazz. Or, hang on, are they playing before me. Oh well, we'll find out tomorrow.

Robert chuckles.

Ciao tutti.

I've been reading the writing of Father Sorecock.

 

"If you want to get into Heaven, don't expect this life to be much fun. You're really going to have to suck up to God and Jesus big time. Also, dying is going to be an essential part of it." Father Sorecock

Positive words, I thought.

Robert Chuckles.

I rang our medical centre yesterday because I'm feeling quite unwell. The receptionist said that I could see a doctor in one month. I told her not to worry about an appointment because I'd probably be dead by then. She recommended reading the writing of Father Sorecock. I thanked her.

"For what is death, but only a ticket into Heaven for the righteous soul. For sinners it will offer something quite different." Father Sorecock

Instead, Shelley drove me to A&E. On the way I thought, "If I can survive this driving, I'm pretty much immune to death."

A nurse checked my vital signs and said that I was in pretty good nick. I didn't wait around to see a doctor, I came home and had a Cleanskin instead.

"Powerful stuff, that Buckley's!"

Though I decided on the Cleanskin.

So here I am writing this post. I am honestly finding it hard to remember when I last felt well.

Maybe we need a video.

There you go.

Ciao tutti.

Judgement Day. Part 6.

 Cod was not pleased at all.

"What bad decisions!" they said to their right hand being, Sid, "First he makes angels. He makes one he calls Lucifer. Remember that he gives Lucifer all his characteristics - he knows what he's getting AND he also knows what's in the future. He knows what he's getting into! Still, he goes ahead. Does he just want to feel sorry for himself? Or is it just that he needs someone to run that Hell place?

Then he makes billions of humans. Boy Adam, that's some sperm you've got! He gives them free will but expects them all to spend their days sucking up to himself. This is just too much! Then he wants to punish a very large number of them AND FOR ETERNITY! After not lifting a finger to help them with their suffering or putting a stop to their wars. I hope Bod is aware of all this! Dod and Eod are certainly taking note."

Sid replies, "Yes, it is certainly well over the top. Who does God think he is? Aod? I think you need to talk to him, and soon!"

to be continued...

Judgement Day. Part 5.

 

The phone rang and Father Minto answered it.

"Hello. Okay, just a minute. It's for you Pete."

"Hang on, I just want to be sure that my pants are firmly on before I come over there."

Peter took the phone. He was careful to keep his distance.

"Hello."

"It's Richard here. I'm a few receptacles down from you evidently. Hey, these phones are very 1960! So, who's in your team?"

"Hi. Yeah, well, I'm with someone you'll know. Think whisper, roar. I'm sharing a unit with Father Minto. [whispers] Holy Hell!"

"Bloody Hell! Bad luck. Has he tried anything on with you?"

"Well, he's very cunning, you've got to watch your back all the time. Who are you with?"

"Ha, ha, you won't believe this, they're all pretty young women and they keep coming on to me. It's a bit of a pain because I'm trying to locate a violin to get some practice done."

"I'll swap!"

"Well, at least you've got a buddy. I'll leave you, and your boyfriend there for today. I want to give Rob a call in Heaven."

Rob chuckles.

"Ah well, say 'hi' from me. Looks like he got the better end of the stick. Maybe he was right about Father Cockhim. Or is that who I'm stuck with?"

"Okay, catch you soon. Keep your pants up."

Richard rings Rob's number.

"Bring, Bring."

"Hello, this is Mister Linford. Who is it?"

"This is Richard ringing from Hell. Is it possible to speak to Robert?"

"You know you're not supposed to ring Heaven. Look, just this once I'll let you talk to your brother. He HAS told me all about you and how you really let God down. Robert!"

A little time passes.

"Hi, Robert here."

"Hi Rob, Rich here."

"Hi Rich, how's Hell?'

"Warm, but okay. I'm rooming with about twenty gorgeous young ladies, which is a bit of a pain because I want to sort out a violin and do some practice."

"Who is Peter with?"

"Well, let's just say that he keeps his pants pulled well up. What are you doing so close to Mr. Linford?"

"He's my roommate."

"Do you remember what mother said about him?"

"Yes, yes, I know. Unfortunately, I think she was right. I've prayed to Mary to be moved to a different room, but she says everything is full up right now."

"So, have you got one of the old 1960s phones too?"

"No. Everything is very modern up here. We have the latest mobile phones. Mr. Linford seems to struggle with his. Actually, he keeps trying to call mother, but she won't answer. I wonder if she's in Hell?"

"Ah well, I'd better leave it there for today. I guess we all get what we deserve. Mother certainly talked some sense. I'll keep an eye on Peter. Ha, ha, it's like being back at school for him. Hey, I talked to Satan and, evidently, they have a violinists' room. Looks like I might be able to get moved there. Fingers crossed. It's pretty hard here with all these young ladies. You enjoy your time with Mr. Linford. Ciao."

Robert chuckles and hangs up.

Judgement Day. Part 4.

 Okay, the story so far:

God is probably bored, so He decides to make angels and people. He starts with angels. He has this sort of picture going on where everyone is ranked; from Himself (fantastically great) to angels (pretty damn good) to people (so-so) to demons (very, very bad). To make the situation plain, he makes demons very unpleasant to look at.

A sign put up in Ireland, in the early
days, read, "Tree demons wanted."
For some reason only three demons
applied.

When there is only God and the angels, something goes a bit wrong and an angel named Lucifer gets into serious shit. God deals with it by turning him into a devil (a branch of demon) and changing his name to Satan. 

If you look beyond the red makeup and the horns, you can probably see that Satan was quite a good looking angel - though with no genitals.

Then God puts Adam and Eve to work and he eventually finishes up making about 200 billion people, the majority of whom will eventually finish up in Hell. Among the earliest people he makes are cavemen (and cavewomen). They're a bit like small children, in that they have to discover how to survive and work things out for themselves. God leaves them to their own devices for a very long time. There is no mention of the one true church or transubstantiation. I really don't think that many of these people would have made it into Heaven. Satan, and a group of mates, get sent down to set up Hell. God has plans for Hell. I think that God was reliant on bad people so that the good ones would have something to judge themselves by. Remember that 'good and bad' are very important concepts to God. Just think for a minute, how and why did God let one of HIS brilliant angel creations get into so much shit? He could have given him a bit of guidance, like a good father does.

Okay, back to the cave dwellers for a minute. Remember that these people are trying to make sense of it all. They obviously notice the sun and wonder about it. They notice how the sun gives them both light and warmth. One day a few of them start referring to the sun as God - well, it makes sense. God doesn't try to put them right, he just thinks, "When I eventually get around to revealing myself to people, I'll give them a set of rules, one of which will be, 'No false gods!' People who don't follow my rules are going to Hell. Well, it's their own fault for being so slow to learn about science."

Satan and his team of demons take a little time to settle into Hell. The weather is very warm and there's no winter. After a while they sort of get used to it and life carries on for them.

Then they get a message from God.

"Okay, I need somewhere to send quite a few people. You guys seem to have a lot of time on your hands, so I'm going to put you all in charge of running the place like a very hot prison. Satan will be the CEO."

Well, that's how Hell got started. Originally 'Hell' was intended to be a very positive word - sort of like 'fragrance' or 'beauty' or 'friendship'. That all changed very quickly once the place was set up. Satan and his crew did their very best to make everyone feel welcome, but their demonic looks did not help. People expected the worst from them. Satan and the demons had wound up with a very unrewarding job, and there was no sick leave or holidays. Worse still, you couldn't resign.