I read this somewhere recently...

"I'd rather be a naive member of the elect than a calumnious member of the damned."

Calumnious?

Adjective: In a statement this word means false and defamatory; slanderous.

I assume that this statement might be about atheists.

"I'd rather be a slightly thick member of the chosen than a bloody atheist who is going to Hell to burn forever."

I guess that a slightly thick member of the chosen would be following along blindly and doing whatever he was told.

"It's a good idea to tell atheists that you love them. That will really get them confused!"

Okay, time to hear from God.

"Okay, first thing, why do you always represent me as being old? Please understand that I DO NOT AGE! This is more like how I look...

Okay, okay, I don't need the gun but, if I did, I could change water into a gun. My representatives on Earth tell you that you have to have faith and believe that I exist. I think that it's time to get past all this nonsense. I will prove my existence. 

As from tomorrow, New Zealand time and starting at midnight, I will make all guns, missiles, tanks and other war equipment useless. Guns will not fire, anywhere in the world, missiles will just sit on their launch pads like the posts of a fence. All knife blades will be like very soft rubber. Can I really do all this? Not a problem for an almighty God like myself. 

Let me tell you that those 'calumnious' atheists have shown much more sense than you silly Catholics and believers in other gods and they will be rewarded!  I'm replacing that silly old pope with an atheist lady and you WILL be expected to listen to her! Come on! I won't be sending anyone to anything like Hell! Who do you think I am? Satan? And, talking of Satan, let's give Lucifer a break. He's a nice guy. We were only fooling around with that 'war of the angels' thing. 

Okay, open your eyes tomorrow morning and you'll see a few changes that will show you I am real. All those really bad diseases? Gone. Global warming? Gone. However, I will have to teach you all a few lessons. Especially the Catholic clergy. We're going to make this world a nicer place to live in. Hey, and don't worry about going to church. I'll fix it so that I can appear to you on your phone. 

Lastly, I'd like to thank this wonderful blog, Richard's Bass Bag*, for giving me a chance to speak to you without all that Catholic ceremony with men wearing dresses and watching altar boys get changed. I should make it compulsory for everyone to read this blog or get a mortal sin added to their life history, but we've got to get away from all that nonsense. Anyway, this blog is the nearest thing I have to a church. And, just for the record, I had nothing to do with writing that silly bible. Enjoy tomorrow."

* the original bass bagging site