Judgement Day. Part 4.

 Okay, the story so far:

God is probably bored, so He decides to make angels and people. He starts with angels. He has this sort of picture going on where everyone is ranked; from Himself (fantastically great) to angels (pretty damn good) to people (so-so) to demons (very, very bad). To make the situation plain, he makes demons very unpleasant to look at.

A sign put up in Ireland, in the early
days, read, "Tree demons wanted."
For some reason only three demons
applied.

When there is only God and the angels, something goes a bit wrong and an angel named Lucifer gets into serious shit. God deals with it by turning him into a devil (a branch of demon) and changing his name to Satan. 

If you look beyond the red makeup and the horns, you can probably see that Satan was quite a good looking angel - though with no genitals.

Then God puts Adam and Eve to work and he eventually finishes up making about 200 billion people, the majority of whom will eventually finish up in Hell. Among the earliest people he makes are cavemen (and cavewomen). They're a bit like small children, in that they have to discover how to survive and work things out for themselves. God leaves them to their own devices for a very long time. There is no mention of the one true church or transubstantiation. I really don't think that many of these people would have made it into Heaven. Satan, and a group of mates, get sent down to set up Hell. God has plans for Hell. I think that God was reliant on bad people so that the good ones would have something to judge themselves by. Remember that 'good and bad' are very important concepts to God. Just think for a minute, how and why did God let one of HIS brilliant angel creations get into so much shit? He could have given him a bit of guidance, like a good father does.

Okay, back to the cave dwellers for a minute. Remember that these people are trying to make sense of it all. They obviously notice the sun and wonder about it. They notice how the sun gives them both light and warmth. One day a few of them start referring to the sun as God - well, it makes sense. God doesn't try to put them right, he just thinks, "When I eventually get around to revealing myself to people, I'll give them a set of rules, one of which will be, 'No false gods!' People who don't follow my rules are going to Hell. Well, it's their own fault for being so slow to learn about science."

Satan and his team of demons take a little time to settle into Hell. The weather is very warm and there's no winter. After a while they sort of get used to it and life carries on for them.

Then they get a message from God.

"Okay, I need somewhere to send quite a few people. You guys seem to have a lot of time on your hands, so I'm going to put you all in charge of running the place like a very hot prison. Satan will be the CEO."

Well, that's how Hell got started. Originally 'Hell' was intended to be a very positive word - sort of like 'fragrance' or 'beauty' or 'friendship'. That all changed very quickly once the place was set up. Satan and his crew did their very best to make everyone feel welcome, but their demonic looks did not help. People expected the worst from them. Satan and the demons had wound up with a very unrewarding job, and there was no sick leave or holidays. Worse still, you couldn't resign.

Judgement Day. Part 3.

 It was God's turn to speak and he didn't piss around.

He used His special powers so that He was sort of able to speak to everybody at once, but they all got a personal message and a verdict. Mr. Linford was warned about the way he had treated his wife, but he still just made it into Heaven. Rob was reminded that he got married in a Christian church that was not the one true church and that God was not impressed to see him carrying around a rainbow flag.

Rob tried to explain the flag thing and that June Cleaners' Month was not really associated to his little rainbow flag display. God cut him off halfway through his explanation, but he was allowed into Heaven. God said, "Watch it in future." Robert replied, "Robert chuckles." God mumbled something about him being lucky that Mary had put in a good word for him. 

Father Minto didn't make it in. It was his intention to fix everything up on his death bed with a confession but, unfortunately, he was hit by a bus. Father Minto was sent to the same space in Hell as Peter. God smirked a bit when He announced that. It was unusual for God to smirk.

Richard was sent to a place in Hell where only folk music was played and it was forbidden to play solos that defined each chord. "Harmonic approximation." said God sternly. "That's what you'll be doing for eternity. AND your brother Rob will be sending down harmony lessons." God nearly giggled, but He managed to use all His Godly powers to control Himself.

Probably about a quarter of the billions of people made it into Heaven. A large number were from the American bible belt. Most were allowed to bring their guns. There were rumours that Donald Trump had talked his way in, though no one could confirm or deny this. There was even mention of some plenary indulgences changing hands. It was hard to keep up with who made it in and who missed out. 

Richard, though not looking forward to years, and years, and years, and years, and years, and years, and years, and years, and years, and years, and years, and years, and years, and years, and years, and years, and years, and years, and years, and years, and years, and years, and years, and years, and years of folk music, thought that maybe he'd finished up with the better option. He remembered his mother's words, "I don't think I want to go to Heaven if Mr. Linford will be there."

Judgement Day. Part 2.

 It was Jesus who spoke.

"Welcome to Judgement Day. Okay, there are two hundred billion of you and there are many languages but I'm speaking into your heads. Obviously, even if we wanted to, we can't fit you all into Heaven. I guess it is time to say a big thank you to Lucifer because he will be spending his eternity with an awful lot of you. I know he gets a bad rap for what happened an awful long time ago, but we up in Heaven do appreciate what he does. Sorry, too, for the muck up of where quite a lot of you were born. I know there are a lot of you who were born in places like China and India, and many other places, who never got the message about what my Dad expected. I know many of you lived very good lives following the wrong god. Sorry, but rules are rules. We'll only be accepting Catholics, along with a few Anglicans and Presbyterians into Heaven. Okay, and maybe a few Baptists. The acceptance of some Anglicans and Presbyterians and Baptists is a tricky point which I'll try to explain later. Let's just say that they were, at least, praying to the correct god. The Ten Commandments are very clear on who you shouldn't be praying to. Sorry, again, to those who didn't get the message about the Ten Commandments, but that's life. 

You might be a little surprised at some people who do make it in, but there is a clause that allows for a death bed confession. This was made clear, if you had read all our material carefully. Okay, some of our clergymen in the one true church did some very, very naughty things but managed a death bed confession. Again, I assure you that this is in the rules. 

My Father will be addressing you shortly and, I feel I should warn you, He will be much more 'brisk' than me. For example, there is a man from New Zealand, a little country right down at the bottom of the world, who was given every chance but who stole communion hosts and denied Dad's existence. Another man from Moera tried to put him straight, God bless him, but his effort fell on deaf ears. Atheists really do plan their own route, straight to Hell. In reality, smart people like Father Woodcock and Brother Benedict could teach them a thing or two about achieving a happy outcome, AND they had some fun on the way. 

Well, that's just about it from me. I'll hand you over to God the Father shortly. Please be patient because there are a lot of names to get through. If you are one of the lucky ones who are off to Heaven, please don't bother the angels, and please no jokes about their lack of genitalia. Remember that Angels are special beings that Dad made first and they don't really like to mix too much with Earthlings. 

To those of you who are off 'down under', I'm not cruel enough to say, "Stay warm." Please treat Lucifer and his team with respect. Remember that you're going to be together for a very long time, so you really need to try and make the best of your situation. I guess you'll have a lot of time to think about how you spent your time on Earth. Your silly little mistakes will prove very costly. Yes, I know that many of you tried so hard to be good, but God's rules are God's rules. Better luck next... Oh yes, sorry, there won't be a next time. Chat among yourselves now. God will be along shortly with the results."

Judgement Day. Part 1.

 This was the final judgement and all souls had risen from their graves. Cremated souls had been stuck back together.

There were billions and billions of souls all lined up - this was going to take quite a while. Fortunately there is no time in Heaven. Even the good Christian people who had made it in didn't know what time it was. Richard stood in the same group as Peter - it was amazing that they could find each other in this huge, huge, huge crowd. Robert stood among the Catholics, not far from Father Orange and Brother Benedict. Father Minto was nearby too. Rob knew that he should get in (to Heaven) because he had generally followed the rules. He'd also made a bit of a nuisance of himself at church. Parishioners knew him as the guy who sang very loudly but sometimes went into a major key when the song was still in a minor key. Rob didn't think that God would bring that up. Well, that's what he hoped. Who really knows what God is thinking?

The angels stood around like a bikie gang. Instead of patches they wore wings. They looked like they felt entitled. They probably had good reason to feel like that. Peter looked a bit worried because it was obvious that Robert's beliefs had been correct. God / Jesus, well it looked more like Jesus, was standing by his throne like a very stern headmaster. The Holy Ghost was up off the ground and looking like a bird with a light up its bum. All the popes were out there somewhere. Hitler was over in one corner. Peter thought he saw Napoleon. One thing was for sure - a lot of people were going to be in trouble.

To be continued...

I don't think so Rob.

 

Chords 'at the end'.

Rob, I think there is more chance, at The Last Judgement, that angles will be strapping on cocks.

I suspect that you might have been hearing the C7 and F7 chords. They can appear in minor keys too, though that could hint at a short little modulation that really went nowhere. Look at the last chord - looks like A minor.

God's Song (That's Why I Love Mankind).

 

Randy Newman

Cain slew Abel, Seth knew not why

For if the children on Israel were supposed to multiply

Why must any of the children die?

So he asked the Lord, and the Lord said:

"Man means nothing, he means less to Me

Than the lowliest cactus flower or humblest yucca tree

Chases round this desert 'cause that's where I'll be

That's why I love mankind."

Listen here

Monday evening, and a quick video catchup.

 

The last cerfificate we will issue.

 All the others are cancelled!

And the winner is...

 And a very deserved winner is*...

Well done Rob, and well deserved!

You are a champion!

I almost feel like a bit of transubstantiation to celebrate!

Tough shit Peter.

Ciao tutti.

* considering that the other contestant has a history of being dishonest

The Ultimate Certificate - TEST 2

 General Knowledge [remember, no cheating by looking online]

1) How many teeth does an adult dog usually have?

a) 36 b) 42 c) 50 d) 34

2) What is the world's tallest tree?

a) Australian Giant Gum b) Coast Redwood c) Forest Dean Tree d) Amazon Beach Tree

3) How many bones does the adult human skeleton have?

a) around 206 b) exactly 312 c) around 180 d) exactly 192

4) What have scientists discovered, from locks of his hair, made Beethoven go deaf?

a) Orchestras that were too loud. b) Ear damage caused by chemicals that he put in his bath to clean it. c) A form of Venereal Disease. d) Lead in the wine that he drank.

5) Which language is spoken by the most people?

a) Chinese b) Fijian c) English d) Spanish

6) What is the highest rugby score ever recorded?

a) New Zealand 145 - 17 b) Newcastle 156 - 5 c) South Africa 152 - 27 d) Royal Kituro 356 - 3

7) What is the longest penis length ever recorded?

a) 18cm b) 27.8cm c) 48.2cm d) 20cm

Good luck and remember, no looking things up! Be honest! God is watching.

The Ultimate Certificate - TEST 1. General Knowledge.

 1) Al stands for, or is an abbreviation of...

a) Artificial Intelligence b) All to bed now! c) Alistair d) Elephant

2) What are the notes of the Dorian mode?

a) D E F G A B C b) D O R I A N c) E G# B D d) A A E E F# F# E

3) Which city is not in New Zealand?

a) Palmerston North b) Christchurch c) Dunedin d) San Francisco

4) Find the solution to 3 x 0 + 2 x 3 +5 x 10

a) 0 b) 160 c) 4,235 d) 56

5) Allegro (Italian word) means

a) fast b) happy c) fairly quickly d) a growing leg

6) There are four men and four bananas in a bowl. Each man eats one banana but, at the end, there is still one banana in the bowl.

a) One man didn't really eat his banana. He just pretended to. b) One man shat his back into the bowl.   c) There were really five bananas, but one was invisible. d) One man ate the bowl as well.

7) Three boys from 3P (St. Patrick's College, 1966) were learning Latin. Their teacher was a fantastic Latin teacher. Which statement best sums up the students' experience, while also expressing that there are worse things than being late?

a) Bene factum! b) Non admodum malum. c) Omnia bona. d) Better Latin? Never!

* * *

Okay, how did you go? 

Give your answers in the comments and you'll find out. 

Don't get too excited - this is only TEST 1,

Buonafortuna.

It seems that the blogging world has gone mad!

 Rob's off writing some (AI?) thing that no one seems to be reading (or commenting on).

Peter is obsessed with getting an award, so obsessed that he's pinching certificates.

What happened to the good old days, when we argued about transubstantiation and whether or not the pope was trans.

It seems that those days are gone.

Is there anything better than Heaven?

 

An actual photo taken in Heaven.

Well, yes, there is!

What is it?

Let me tell you. At Richard's Bass Bag* we've come up with something that will rock the world as we all know it.

And, when I say 'rock', I mean in a jazzy sort of way.

We have invented a chance for YOU to shine above all others!

Yes, That's right! 

We have invented something that soon everyone will strive to own, and here it is...

Imagine this on your pool room wall!

Everyone else is going to be very jealous. 

You will be the star when anyone sees it!

So, how do you get one?

We, at 'the bag', will be running a series of quizzes - different topics, different levels of difficulty.

Not everyone can win one of these certificates - only a few will be that lucky.

One of those few people could be YOU!

Watch out for our first quiz - it's coming soon.

* the original bass bagging site

And the award goes to...

 

A new Music quiz that everybody can succeed at!

 A blogger, in our little blogging group, complained about my last 'music' quiz, where even a blogger who fancies himself as a musician, only scored 2/7. He also complained about the lack of prizes. The Curmudgeon scored 0/7.

0/7

"You get no bread with one meat ball!"

* * *

Okay, there is such a thing as a second chance!

Who can bust this REALLY HARD music quiz?

Whoever can might win a road trip to Singapore!*

Let's get things underway!

1) Which group sang Yellow Submarine?

a) The Beat Alls b) Marcus Welby c) The Beatles d) McDonald Clan

2) The first note in a C major scale is

a) B b) C c) Z d) W

3) Finish the name of this band - The Rolling...

a) Feet b) Stones c) Bowling Balls d) F major

4) How many strings are there on a violin?

a) 57 b) 4 C) 2,203 d) 1

5) A famous rock guitarist - Jimmy...

a) Penis b) Hendrix c) Meturbrusen d) McDonald

6) Name the two colours of notes on a piano

a) pink and blue b) black and white c) green and light green d) pencil sharpener

7) How many frets on a violin?

a) 57 b) none c) trumpet d) 3.234

Good luck to our bloggers Peter and Robert! You can do this!

* own car necessary

Not much happening on the blogs.

 Peter's last post was just him moaning about some film.

Robert puts up 'humorous' videos and, the next minute, they're gone. We're left, once more, with 'burning guy'.

Maybe I should have a little music quiz, or something. Hey, Rob might like a music quiz, but Peter won't.

I'll keep it simple. Here goes... (don't use the internet)

1) Name this chord.    G Bb D E ________________

2) Name this scale.     A B C D Eb F F# G# A _________________

3) Name this chord.     E G Bb D ____________________

4) Name this chord.     C E G B F# _________________

5) What is traditionally the lowest note on a Bb trumpet? (no transposition necessary) 

a) F# b) G c) C d) none of these _________

6) What sort of reed does an oboe have? a) silver b) double c) long style d) short style

7) If an Eb tenor horn plays an E, what note will sound? a) C# b) Eb c) G d) Db

Good luck

The future for mankind does not look bright.

 Here is how an aging Catholic sees it.

Is he saying, "This is you if you, don't tow the line!" or "This is probably the best that you can expect."?

You'll have to sort this one out for yourselves.

On any level though, this is not a positive message. Good old Catholicism!

Buonafortuna.

Ace of Spades.

 

Sometimes big is not better.

Did you know that a smaller (standard 3/4 size) double bass will actually project further than a bigger (full size) double bass?

Now that's just being ridiculous!

A small mobile phone is better than the 'bricks' they used to make.

A smaller car is easier to park at the supermarket.

If babies were as big as fully grown men, they'd be hard to carry.

Who would want bagpipes that were as big as a whale?

Sometimes it's the same with spades.

Spare a thought for this guy.

Let's call him Brent. Brent has a job that he must do in a very confined space. The only way to get to his problem is to crawl. I'll give you a clue, Brent is not working on the roof (though, he has fallen off that in the past).

It's a small thing that needs fixing, but Brent needs to be able to get to it without causing any disasters.

Yes, Brent knows about those too.

Piles are important.

After surveying the problem, Brent crawled back outside, found his mobile phone, and called and cancelled the digger he was intending to hire for the job.

Big things were not going to work on this job.

Brent went out looking for a suitable digging device.

No.

No.

No, definitely not.

Now that's just being silly!

Yes! That could do the job!

Brent was ready for action! This would be a winner. This would impress The Old Gal Friend after all those other events:

• Falling off the Millard Stand after trying to sneak in to see a rugby game for nothing.
• Nearly getting into a fight at cards.
• The house that fell down.
• Getting banned from a Presbyterian church for trying to sell them a book on Transubstantiation.
• I could go on.

Brent was, indeed, The Ace of Spades!

Man! What a sick post!

 ...and I should know, because I've got Covid.

Might be easier to post if I recorded a few videos.

Wow! That Peter certainly is the ace of spades!

I don't think that small spades are that hard to find.

Friday and I'm still feeling quite positive.

 

You'd think that the 'C' line would stand for 'Covid', but it's the 'T' line that is the problem. 

I'm on day four now. My daughter got better on day 5, so here's hoping. Maybe it takes longer if you're older? It would probably take The Curmudgeon weeks because he's much older.

I wonder why they didn't just use the words 'Clear' and 'Got it!' on the RAT.

RAT? What a great name!

"Worried about Covid? I can test you for that!"

Oh well, that's all I have the energy for today. I don't know if TC has written anything new. Robert wrote something about Mary, evidently someone's mum.

Ciao.

Sorry, but I was unable to post...

 ...I was out sitting in the other room. With Covid that's about as far away as you get, unless you want to pass it onto everybody else.

I've checked out Facebook. Rob is now calling himself Roberto Testore and is posting videos of me. 

I think his Facebook page was struggling because he was talking too much about Jesus, so now he's depending on the family to prop up his page. 

I adopted the name Riccardo Testore on Facebook many years ago, really just to keep all those scammers, and the like, guessing. Now I have Roberto, like a dag, hanging off my bum.

Ah well, I guess someone has to help out that eyeliner wearing Jesus.

"Don't be mean! I mean,
look at my shoulder.
Love bites can be painful."

I wonder if Roberto caused the love bite?

Naughty!

Shelley has got Covid now too. Fortunately, Steph is out the other side. She has gone shopping for us. 

OUR SAVIOR!

No sign of Jesus.

Anyway, I thought that this was something that Roberto might be interested in...

I know that Christians like logic and facts.

Ciao tutti.

Is it just me, or does our bathroom tap look a little like Donald Trump?

 

Why is Jesus wearing eyeliner?

 

St. Bernard of Clearview
doesn't look too impressed.

"Oh, loving Jesus, meek lamb of God, I, a miserable sinner would salute you, except for the fact that you're wearing eyeliner. What's going on here? With those expressive eyes you could almost be my girlfriend, except that monks don't have girlfriends. The silly haircut we must wear seems to put them off. Anyway, Jesus, I think you should toughen up your image a bit. Look how St. Michael looks quite macho, and he hasn't even got a penis! Angles don't have them. Lift your act Jesus."

St. Bernard of Clearview

St. Michael, almost a man's man.

It's not rocket science!

 

There are two expressions that I really hate...

"It's not rocket science." and "It's not the end of the world."

Ben was having a bit of trouble opening a can of beans. He just couldn't get the opener to work. He swore and called out to his mate Andrew. "This bloody opener just won't work! Can you give it a go?"

Andrew took the can, looked at it, and said, "[What did Andrew say?]"

This was really a simple task, made harder because Ben was sort of trying too hard and getting himself into a bit of a snot. Andrew wanted to compare the opening of the can to something.

Andrew could see that it was silly to compare a simple task like this to the very complicated task of building and launching a rocket.

With not much effort he opened the can and said, "It's not lawnmower maintenance."

Here are a few 'not so spectacular' things that he could have said:

• "It's nowhere near as hard as fixing a broken pipe."
• "This is easy, compared to changing a car tyre."
• "Getting a good tone on the violin is harder."
• "I'm glad I'm opening this can and not having to clean my spouting."

* * *

Betty was getting ready to go out with her friend Cathy to a work dinner. She had all her makeup on and had chosen her favourite dress. Suddenly she realised that one of her favourite earrings was missing! She started panicking and called out to Cathy for help to find it.

Neither of them could find it anywhere. Cathy needed to console her friend, but she was aware that it was just a little matter and that Betty had other nice earrings that she could wear.

Cathy said, "It's not the end of the world."

NO!!!

OF COURSE IT WASN'T THE END OF THE WORLD!

The reality was that probably no one at the dinner would even notice that Betty wasn't wearing her favourite earrings.

Here are some better messages that Cathy could have given her friend:

• "No one will notice, just wear your hair down."
• "It's better than losing your purse."
• "Anyway, I like that shade of lipstick you're wearing."
• "Don't be a drama queen!"

* * *

Now, I'm going to ask a favour of my fellow bloggers.

Let's cut down on superlatives.

Let's keep it real. A slight accident in your underpants is nowhere near what will happen at the end of the world. Just clean them and wash them, then carry on with life - in dry underpants.

Look, nice dry underpants to change into.
No big deal.