Judgement Day. Part 2.

 It was Jesus who spoke.

"Welcome to Judgement Day. Okay, there are two hundred billion of you and there are many languages but I'm speaking into your heads. Obviously, even if we wanted to, we can't fit you all into Heaven. I guess it is time to say a big thank you to Lucifer because he will be spending his eternity with an awful lot of you. I know he gets a bad rap for what happened an awful long time ago, but we up in Heaven do appreciate what he does. Sorry, too, for the muck up of where quite a lot of you were born. I know there are a lot of you who were born in places like China and India, and many other places, who never got the message about what my Dad expected. I know many of you lived very good lives following the wrong god. Sorry, but rules are rules. We'll only be accepting Catholics, along with a few Anglicans and Presbyterians into Heaven. Okay, and maybe a few Baptists. The acceptance of some Anglicans and Presbyterians and Baptists is a tricky point which I'll try to explain later. Let's just say that they were, at least, praying to the correct god. The Ten Commandments are very clear on who you shouldn't be praying to. Sorry, again, to those who didn't get the message about the Ten Commandments, but that's life. 

You might be a little surprised at some people who do make it in, but there is a clause that allows for a death bed confession. This was made clear, if you had read all our material carefully. Okay, some of our clergymen in the one true church did some very, very naughty things but managed a death bed confession. Again, I assure you that this is in the rules. 

My Father will be addressing you shortly and, I feel I should warn you, He will be much more 'brisk' than me. For example, there is a man from New Zealand, a little country right down at the bottom of the world, who was given every chance but who stole communion hosts and denied Dad's existence. Another man from Moera tried to put him straight, God bless him, but his effort fell on deaf ears. Atheists really do plan their own route, straight to Hell. In reality, smart people like Father Woodcock and Brother Benedict could teach them a thing or two about achieving a happy outcome, AND they had some fun on the way. 

Well, that's just about it from me. I'll hand you over to God the Father shortly. Please be patient because there are a lot of names to get through. If you are one of the lucky ones who are off to Heaven, please don't bother the angels, and please no jokes about their lack of genitalia. Remember that Angels are special beings that Dad made first and they don't really like to mix too much with Earthlings. 

To those of you who are off 'down under', I'm not cruel enough to say, "Stay warm." Please treat Lucifer and his team with respect. Remember that you're going to be together for a very long time, so you really need to try and make the best of your situation. I guess you'll have a lot of time to think about how you spent your time on Earth. Your silly little mistakes will prove very costly. Yes, I know that many of you tried so hard to be good, but God's rules are God's rules. Better luck next... Oh yes, sorry, there won't be a next time. Chat among yourselves now. God will be along shortly with the results."