Sources that are studying Christian churches and their developments have come across evidence that God intends to close Hell in 2025.
It has been discovered that bible contributor John has been working on a third testament for some time. This testament will eventually be attached to the existing bible and it is believed that it will really make the first two testaments obsolete.
The first question people will probably ask is, "Why did John decide to go solo on this one?"
Well, let's face it, he's had over 2000 years to write it. I guess there has been a lot of proofreading and editing - that's something that some Catholics around these parts are not very good at. Perhaps John was just being cautious.
Straight away the closing of Hell will raise many questions. We will attempt to answer a few here (based on John's new writing).
- Q. Why is God closing Hell? A. Basically because all time punishment doesn't really fit in with His policy of loving everybody.
- Q. What will happen to all the souls who are already in Hell? A. The old Purgatory will be set up as a finishing school where souls will be prepared for Heaven.
- Q. What about Lucifer? A. Lucifer has shown himself to be a very good administrator and he will be put in charge of the Managing Difficult Souls team in Heaven. He and God have been getting on much better lately.
- Q. What about having paedophiles in Heaven? Will this make Heaven less safe for children? A. Paedophiles will have their penises removed until they can reach a Heaven 3 level*.
- Q. What about people like Hitler and Putin? A. God will be resetting the balances in their brains. Don't forget that God can do anything.
It is hoped to get The Third Testament out soon.
Richard's Bass Bag** has been awarded the initial publishing rights to this 'new, new testament' and we will be releasing segments in the near future.
Many thanks to Angry Jesus for his part in making this possible.
And thanks to John for his huge effort.
* Heavenly Residence will be divided into five levels - 1 being the lowest.
** the original bass bagging site
1 commento:
"Richard's Bass Bag** has been awarded the initial publishing rights to this 'new, new testament' and we will be releasing segments in the near future."
So, no doubt he'll* sneak in his own sheet music and, in the NETFLIX video series he'll make sure that the only score is his own. It's like putting a rabbit in charge of a lettuce patch.
* See what I did there?
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