John 1.1, 1.2, 1.3, 1.4. & 1.5

 

John 1.1: In the beginning God made lots of incomplete universes, mainly just suns. This was the first step of his plan. Before that he had spent an eternity in Heaven with his wife (The Holy Ghost) and their son who was originally called Unborn Baby J (or U.B.J.). It would be fair to say that God was bored, hence His new creativity. Eternity was a long time for His poor wife to spend with a bored god. By the way, God called The Holy Ghost Betty. The Holy Ghost was a weird name for a wife.

He didn't have to say, "Let there be light." because the stars (suns) were taking care of that already. Instead, He said, "Let there be some planets in random places." and there were some planets in random places. He started off with about 100 trillion planets. Just a few in God terms. Betty was pleased that God now had a hobby.

John 1.2: God said, "Let there be atmospheres, water and plants." Snap! These things appeared on his chosen 1 billion planets. Then He thought really godly hard. He threw some single cell creatures on these chosen planets and thought, "Evolution!"

Evolution was working at individual speeds on different planets, largely depending on an individual planet's distance from its sun and the size of the planet and its sun.  He took time to notice one little planet moving around its sun. Evolution seemed to be doing alright there. He could see creatures crawling out of the sea. He wondered how it would all turn out if some of these creatures looked like him. Basically, He was looking for a place where U.B.J. could go through the birthing process - a process that could best be done by a very young female.

John 1.3: God had defined the terms male and female long before He started His universes project. Now you have to understand that He and his wife, and the unborn U.B.J. had always been around. So, why was it necessary for U.B.J. to be born using a young female creation? I guess we are now looking at the quirky side of God. Best if we just say, "Who are we to understand the workings of God?"

About this time God got the idea to create angels. He did it a bit like an avant-garde artist (which was something that would happen among humans in the distant future). God made His angels free thinking. 

John 1.4: One angel was called Lucifer and he was a bit of a smart arse. The angels set up camp in Heaven. Heaven is a very big place. It has room for trillions and trillions and trillions of souls (entities). Really Heaven is infinite. After a while Lucifer really got on God's goat (a figurative term) so God took a little bit of Heaven, made it very hot, and drifted it away from the rest of Heaven. He sent Lucifer there and said that he could only visit other places in the form of a snake. When Lucifer first saw this hot drifting place that he was being sent to, he said, "Hell!" God liked the name.

John 1.5: God turned His attention back to the one obscure little planet where He intended to make animals that looked like Him. He thought he'd start with two - a male and a female. This female might be able to give birth to U.B.J. God would first have to see how she turned out, though really He already knew what was ahead, but He got a bit of a kick out of pretending that He didn't.

God liked naming things, so He called the male Adam and the female Eve. Their first job was to make lots of little ones who looked like God. To help this plan along, He didn't give them clothes. Then bloody Lucifer turned up as a snake. What a devil he was!